Trying to Study

I have a huge theory test on Monday that I've been trying to study for. The kids are at a neighbors house for a playdate for 45 more minutes. I am going to take the online quizzes on the book website and then probably wait until tonight to do some more studying. I am really hoping to do well on this test. Then we have 2 tests left in December, plus a group presentation. I also have 2 more clinical weekends before the semester is done. I will then be 1/4 done with school!!! Doesn't seem like much but I'm getting there!!

I had a conference at B's school, and he is doing great. The teacher said he is a good kid, gets along with everyone, and his behavior is great. He also did well in all his subjects. I am very proud of him. He has come a long way since kindergarten. He is getting ready to start wrestling in December. It will be his second year. I hope he likes it as much this year. I need to try to find an activity for J this winter. Being only 4 it is hard. I may just put her in community ed gymnastics again, even though I wasn't that thrilled with it last year. She liked it and the price is right. She loves gymnastics and will hopefully be old enough for soccer this spring.

This week isn't too busy so far. Just my test monday and then I will feel great. I have class wednesday and B has school all week. I hope to get some things done around the house and some X-mas shopping done. I ended up ordering this online for myself:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FIR48S/104-1917385-3844750

My husband loves a clean floor and I hear (and read from recommendations) that this little guy may come in handy! I justified it by telling myself that I have never bought myself a new vacuum. They have always been hand me downs. This sells new at the store for twice the price as it was online so I think I got a good deal. I can't wait til it comes so I can try it out!!! I think the kids (and dog) will get a kick out of it too! And my hubby will be happy, no crumbs on the floor!! :) I also ordered a couple things for the kids while I was online. I got J a princess computer and B a star wars lego set and a light saber. Those were things I knew they really wanted and since I am only getting them a few things each, I will be almost done! I also got them each a robe, since it is so cold here and J has always wanted a robe. I think it will be nice for getting out of the bath and snuggling on those cold winter evenings! I got B a spiderman one and J a blue/green one (her favorite color). I hope they like them! I just have to figure out what other things to get them. J likes everything and can't really pin point what she really wants. B is really into star wars. I may get him some of the little figures for his collection. But they won't get much, as they have so much already and get things from family as well. I am doing a lot of gift cards this year since I am so busy with school. I won't have time to search for the "perfect" gift for everyone and this will be easy.

By the way, I had to moderate my comments. I was getting some really annoying ones that I had to delete and I don't have the time nor energy to deal with immature people. So, hopefully if you are still reading you will continue to do so! You should be able to comment if you register. I just am not letting any anonymous comments anymore. Anytime I've gotten an anonymous one it has not been a nice one and I am not here to blog and argue with people who want to criticize others. I am here to meet nice people and am totally willing to hear opinions if people will leave their names and not hide behind the anonymous title. So annoying!!

So exhausted but feeling great!

I am up at 11pm and exhausted. DH had to leave on a business trip so again I have the house empty (besides 2 sleeping kids), too quiet and I dread going up to bed. I should be in bed because I had clinicals this weekend and I am so tired. I was up both Saturday and Sunday at 5:10 am. I am not an early morning person and this is a time of day I do not ever see! I was also up most of Friday night. I had to go to the hospital at 4pm and go over my patient charts so I could write my care plan. I was there for about 2 hours and then returned home to spend a little time with the kids, get them to bed, and write my care plan. I was up until about midnight, but then couldn't sleep once I got into bed. My mind was just spinning from all that thinking!! I got to interact with may different patients this weekend. I had 2 patients of my own because the first one left on Sat so I got another one Sun. I felt like I really got to know them and help them. I also helped out on the floor with some other patients. Right now we are pretty limited to what we can do but it is still just a great learning experience. My feet and back are so tired from being on my feet all day (I am not used to that either!!) but weirdly it is good to feel tired. It is good to feel challenged and busy. It's been too long since I've felt that. As wonderful and fullfilling as my children are to me, they don't need me as much as they used to. Plus, they are spending some great quality time with their dad. They are growing closer to him, and learning that mommy has to leave sometimes to help other people. Don't get me wrong, they still are, and always will be, my #1 priority. I miss them terribly when I'm at school and the hospital, but I truly know that I am pursuing this for a reason. I am going through all this schooling, money, time, pain, because I am meant to be a nurse. I truly believe this.

Pulling Teeth and Becoming a Working Mom??

We had kind of a traumatic experience this week. B has been complaining about his teeth hurting on one side the past couple weeks. I attributed it to his molars that are coming in. Well, on sun and mon nights, he woke up crying and complaining about his teeth. At this point, I asked him which teeth hurt exactly. He pointed to one on the top that had a filling in it. Not good. I took him in on monday afternoon and they said he probably needed it drilled out some more because the nerve was getting irritated. We scheduled an appointment for next week. That night it was a lot worse so I got him in the next day to get it taken care of. Our original dentist took a look at it, and said the best option was to pull the molar out and put in a spacer until he is 11/12 and the adult tooth comes in. Well, B was not happy to hear this and all the pulling and pressure during the procedure was pretty traumatic for the little guy. I felt so bad that I let him pick out a star wars figure at the store after. He now is a little puffy but not too sore and slept fine the past 2 nights. Let's hope we don't have any more dental procedures!

On another note, I am thinking of applying for a summer nurse internship this coming summer. I have heard the competition is very high and my chances of actually getting one are probably slim but I'm going to try anyway. It would be 10-12 weeks of working with an RN and would be probably 36-40 hr/week. Not something I am used to, and more hours than I'd want to work, but an experience I couldn't pass up. The probably is the childcare for the kids. I could probably find teens to do most of it, but most of my pay would be going to daycare. But like I said the experience would be more than worth it. If I don't get one, which I probably won't, then I may get a part time nursing assistant job for the summer. Would look good on the resume that I had some health care setting experience, plus it would be nice to work with patients over the summer and keep my skills up. Lots to think about.

First clinical weekend behind me

I had a tiring, amazing, challenging, and fun weekend at the hospital. I actually worked in a real hospital, as a student nurse, with real patients!! It was all kind of surreal. I got up early and put on my real uniform. I found the parking and was there in plenty of time. Saturday we had orientation half of the day and then spent time on the floor finding things and looking around. We got our patient assignments for the next day. Unfortunately they kept discharging patients so we had to double up with partners. This was good in some ways bad in others, since we really will be on our own next time. It made it a little easier this time though. We then had to go home and write up our care plans and try to get sleep for Sunday. We had to be there even earlier Sunday, 0645 on the dot to do vitals. I did my first vitals on a real live patient. She was a very nice woman and very patient with me. She was an interesting case. She had knee surgery and went home, only to get a bad infection later on and came back for more surgery and recovery. She has a resistant bacteria so is on lots of antibiotics and painkillers. She could barely move the affected leg. I can't wait to give out meds, that will be a lot more interesting. Right now we can't do much. Make beds, help client's with daily cares, do vital signs, basic stuff. But it was a great experience and I look forward to my next weekend!

STILL 124.5 lb

At least it isn't going up I guess! I am lucky it is staying the same as I have not been eating the greatest. I went shopping last night so I'm prepared with good for me foods and so that will help. When I am busy and school is stressful I tend to eat whatever is there, and I don't have time to shop often. I ate pizza, arby's roast beef, and some candy last weekend. Not anything too horrible but not good if you want to lose weight! I guess I'm lucky I maintained. I had a very stressful weekend at school and I am so relieved it is over. I had my presentation Sat and my performance test Sun (I passed, yay!) I also went out Sat night and was up too late and therefore very tired the whole weekend. Still tired, and getting a sinus thing I think. My sinuses hurt and I am just very tired. I am going to lunch with B today but one option is chef salad so I'm getting that. I will be eating hot lunch alone since neither B nor J will eat the school lunch! It is hot lunch week so I figured at least I should support the hot lunch program! There should be lots of parents there today for the first grade. I checked B's mid quarter grades online today and wasn't too impressed. I think he is goofing around too much in gym and music. His main grades in reading and math were great, but in participation and cooperation in gym weren't too great. I think he is not paying attention or thinking it is play time. I will have to talk with him. I don't expect all perfect grades (that is just what I expect of myself!) but I do expect above average because I know he is smart enough and can do it. I can't be too hard on him because I know kids have to learn, but I still have to let him know that it is expected he try his hardest and respect teachers. His main teacher is very organized and they have behavior grades each day. He has had a "green" day every day so I know he is behaving for her. I think that system works well for him. Last year his teacher was way too lenient and the kids went wild! Anyway, I then have to volunteer Wed in his class and next week am going on the field trip on Tuesday. Thursday of this week is picture day so I have to figure out what he is going to wear. And his hair is very long right now but he likes it that way so I'll probably leave it. It is pretty cute on him. J is at her friend's house right now so I have to make her a lunch quick and bring her to the school with me. She is loving school still, and will go with the carpool moms no problem. However, I did have a new babysitter last week (a boy) and she freaked out. I am having to use babysitters more, so hopefully she will get used to it!

Why can't I go to bed?

For one, my husband is gone and I have trouble going to bed alone. Second, I seem to get a burst of energy around 10 or 11 pm. I rarely go to bed before midnight. I think my body is doing this now that I stay up later to study etc. I am so tired in the morning though. My sleep is restless. I have so much going through my mind. So many things that have to be done. I have my school work, kids school stuff, fundraisers, lunches to pack, snacks to pack, clothes to pick out, garbage to take out, laundry to put away, bathrooms to clean, shopping to do. It is never ending. I like the busy life I lead, but sometimes it is really hard to shut off my mind to sleep. This is a problem that has just started in the last couple years. I always used to sleep great. Now, I am lucky to sleep more than 2 to 3 hr at a time. I will hear a noise, or just wake up for some unknown reason and lay there. I am not anxious. I am not one to stress out about things. I am pretty easy going. But I do sometimes have a hard time relaxing. And it is worse when I'm alone. I guess I get more nervous. I always set the alarm system, which helps, but I still hate the stillness and quiet of the house. Tonight I watched all my favorite shows. It is my indulgence. I put J to bed before 7pm and let B stay up to watch Survivor with me. I had them take a bath early around 6pm, brush teeth, and read extra books so that I'd be all ready by the time my shows came on. I think I read 6 books tonight just because I made the time to do it!! That is one thing I love doing with the kids. Anyway, had J asleep by 7, she was so tired. I sent B up to bed at 8 but of course he stayed up there tossing another hour (he has trouble falling asleep too!) . I then watched Grey's Anatomy (love that show!) and ER. ER was just ok. I then got out my book and have been reading/taking notes on supporting respiratory function. Fun stuff! It is the longest chapter ever. I have found that you really need to read/study everything because they do not cover everything in class that you need to know. I am trying to get an early start on my reading for my next test which isn't until November 13. Weird how they schedule so many tests early on then give us such a big break. Maybe because we start clinicals soon and we have to prepare for that?? Anyway, I am going to try to sleep very soon. It is so hard to wake up. J comes in about 7am every day so then I have about another half hour to lay around until I have to get up, shower, get the kids clothes on, comb their hair, make B's lunch and snack, get his bag packed and ready, feed them breakfast and get them out the door. I could probably so some of it the night before but I usually have plenty of time. I then get one kid off to school, and still have one here with me (she has preschool 3 days a week in the afternoons). We sometimes will do an errand, but usually we hang out here. We will most likely do some cleaning, and I may have to babysit a neighbor's daughter while she goes to the doctor. I have classes both Sat and Sun and we may go out after the kids are asleep on Sat night to see a band play at the local Oktoberfest. I don't want to be out late but we will probably go for a few hours. I got a sitter lined up. It is now 11:30 and I'm really going to try to sleep. Good night!

124 lb and breathing a sigh of relief

10:30 pm here, I really really should be in bed. I am so exhausted. But I cannot fall asleep this early. I am used to staying up until at least 11:30/12 studying. If I go up to bed I will just lie there awake, and even worse is that my husband is out of town all week and I hate nights alone. I get all freaked out and worry about things and it is so quiet and erie in the house. I hate when he is gone, which unfortunately is way too often. I drove him to the airport today, and he will be coming home Friday. And what luck, I have school all weekend. Yuck!

Anyway, my test tonight was hard. Very hard. I felt somewhat prepared going in, and felt all weird while taking it. First, there was a speaker in the next room using a microphone and it was loud. I got to move into the lab, but it was pretty loud in there as well. You could hear people talking in the hall and just very unnerving to me. I like quiet while taking a test. Anyway, I was having problems with some of the questions. More than usual. Usually I can get through almost all of them and then I go back and try to figure out the ones I didn't know. Well this time, I just couldn't make up my mind on answers. I hate that. I went through that test like 3 times. I finally circled my best guesses and turned it in. Everyone was saying how hard it was, and people were almost in tears. I know it was hard but I knew I did ok. Well, I did better than I thought and got a 93%. I was going to be happy with a B, and I got a low A. I am relieved, and must be a good guesser!!

Not much else is new here. It was beautiful weather here today, for october. It is usually pants/jackets weather this time of year, but today the kids had shorts on. It was great. Soon enough I will be getting out the hats, mittens, snowpants, boots. That reminds me that B needs new snowpants this year. I saw some at the store for $20! I have to find some cheaper than that, especially since they will last 1 year most likely. Poor J will always have boring black or navy snowpants, not cute pink or purple because I will not be buying her a different pair when I have a perfectly good pair of black ones! Or maybe if I find some at a garage sale or something maybe she will get girly ones!! I do not look forward to freezing cold mornings trying to get 2 kids in their snow gear, heating up the car for 15 minutes, trying to fit all the wet stuff somewhere in the mud room.

The only good thing about winter is Christmas. The kids are already talking about it. They each will only really get to ask for a couple things this year. We don't buy them too much, and ask family to not buy them much either. B wants a kids video camera (anyone know if there is such a thing?) and a light saber. J wants a bald cabbage patch baby and a robe like mine. Yes, a robe. She is a unique child! :) They also pick out a nutcracker for our collection that we started last year.

Oh, we also got our costumes ready for Halloween. B is going to be Anakin Skywalker and J is going to be Cinderella. She already had the dress from her birthday so that worked out. I will just have to put sweatshirts and sweatpants on under it. And gloves probably. They really love to dress up so they love halloween. I will wear my witch hat to hand out candy.

Well, I'm going to try to sleep!

123.5

Just got back from grandma's house. J is sleeping in the car (I can see her) and I am just in checking email and picking up around the house until B gets home from school. I have so much studying to do the next few days. Big Theory test monday. I got 14/15 on my med term test. So exxcited to get that one done. I got both my interviews done for my paper/presentation so now I will just have to write up the papers next week. I am feeling like I am accomplishing things, but it is just so much work every single week. Not like the classes I had before when you'd be busy for a week, then have 2 weeks of not so busy. It is constant. But I am proud of myself for doing this and I really do love what I'm learning. I can't wait to be a nurse! I'm looking into some doula courses, either birth doula or postpartum doula. Obviously I have no time to do it now, but possibly over summer break. I'd love to do that part time while going to school. I love helping other moms, and would love to get some breastfeeding support hours (I'd eventually like to be a certified lactation consultant). Anyway, just another thing on my list of things to do with my life!

This weekend I plan to spend some quality time with the kids. I would like to take B to a movie, or do something one on one with him as I am with J much more now that he has school full time. I am going to start volunteering in his room on wednesdays to help with math time. I am excited to see how he is in school this year. I also plan to have lunch with him tomorrow. I try to go to lunch with him at least a couple times a month. It is fun to meet his friends, and interact with him in that setting. I am so proud of how big and independent he is getting. Every day I drop him off at the crossing guard, and he never looks back. Sometimes I sit and wait to see if he will glance back at me, and he never does. I am sad and happy all at once. Sad that he is now so independent and doesn't need me like he used to , but also happy because as a mother I think our goal is to make them comfortable and independent. It is hard though, to let go.

I better go check on J.

124.5 lb pre-shower, 124 lb post shower???!!!

Either I really did have 1/2 lb of dirt on me, or I have a screwy scale. Weird. Anyway, is this turning too much into a weight-centered blog?? I am trying not to post much about my weight. I just like to see the numbers and look back on them. They aren't going down too fast, but I'm not exercising much so maybe they won't go down fast. I am eating good, and trying to be healthy. It may seem as though I am obsessed with my weight. I really am not. I don't go around thinking about it 24/7. I do like to know what I weigh and I do like to keep it in check. I think if I didn't, I would slowly gain weight and that would not be good for me in the long run. I'm the type who likes to know where it is, whether bad or good. Then I'm more aware and it helps me with my eating. I do come from a mother and grandmother who are somewhat a bit too weight conscious. My grandma talks about it all the time. She is a tiny thing, about 105 lb, but insists she is "fat". My mom doesn't talk about it, but is also very thin and I think she thinks about it more than I know. She is probably about 115 lb and she is taller than me. She has only recently lost weight to get this thin. My dad and her joined a gym and eat really well (dad has hypertension) and so they are both losing weight. She was always about a size 10 when I was a kid, I can remember helping her look for clothes and looking for a size 10! I would say she was always thin/average size. Now she is very thin. Like a size 4 probably. So, maybe it is in my genes to worry about my weight. I don't know. I don't want to worry about it, or talk about it (which I never do) or obsess about it (which I don't think I do). Anyway....

Tonight is my med term test. I am not studying like I should be, obviously. Guess I'm not too worried. I have lots to study this weekend with a big test monday night.

Kids are doing well. I don't see them as much as I'd like but they are loving school and are both getting so big. It all goes so fast.

Anyway, I better get back to my book!

124 lb and sunny day!

The sun is out, and it is supposed to be in the 70's today. We better appreciate it, since the weather is going to get colder starting tonight. Winter will be here soon and I am not looking forward to the cold, snow, ice etc.

J is asking me to draw a picture, so I have to cut this short. Have a happy day!

124.5 lb and exhausted

It is monday morning after being in school all weekend, plus I have three hours of class tonight. It really is very exhausting being at school ALL weekend. And this isn't even clinicals, when I'll have to get up even earlier. We have been very busy learning to take vital signs, give bed baths, transfer patients, along with all the theory behind everything. It is so much work. I had a test Saturday and got a 93%, which I was very happy with since it was a pretty hard test. An A is 92 - 100 % so I just made an A. We have a med term test Wed night and another theory test next monday. We also have preformance testing on vital signs in less than 2 weeks, which is going to be very scary (role playing in front of an instructor for a grade). I still have to practice taking blood pressures until I feel comfortable with it. The other tasks aren't too bad, taking temp, respirations, and pulse. The blood pressure is the hardest one. We also have to be able to transfer from bed to wheelchair or vice versa. This past weekend we did bed baths on each other. That was interesting! It was good experience knowing what it is like to give one, and receive on.

As you can see my weight is steady from last week. Which is probably good since I ate LeAnn Chins for lunch Saturday, and ice cream last night. Cheated big time, but guess being in school helped me not eat as much during the day. So, hopefully this week I can work on eating good and getting back down a lb or 2.

124.5 lb

No time to post much. I am off to bring B to school, then 45 min drive to a friend's house who needs babysitting from me today. She is going to Vegas and has 3 kids under 5. I'll have J with me, so it will be lots of kids for me today!! Then come home to make dinner, play with kids, study, watch Survivor, Grey's Anatomy, and ER (is that on tonight?) Can't wait for my favorite shows! Thurs is the only day I have any shows on this year, so that works out (no school).

125 lb

Very tired today. I've been staying up late studying. I find it hard to study during the day. Even though I only have one kid at home, she demands a lot of time some days. I need to explain to her that sometimes I do need to study for a while. I have horrible mommy guilt. When the kids are here I feel like I need to spend a lot of time with them. Especially B, who is in school every day now. I feel like once he gets home at 3:30 I need to spend my evening with him. It is hard. I feel torn a million ways. I am worried about my tests coming up. I am worried about the next 2 years! One day at a time.

Went to a MOPS meeting today at church. J seems to enjoy going to the kids classes. I feel more refreshed after going, even though it is another thing on my schedule. It is only every other Wed, so not too bad. Today is my car pool day for preschool. I am doing a carpool with 2 other moms so I will end up driving only once a week. Not bad. I then have school tonight from 6-9, so then I'll probably be up late studying once I get home. I have a full weekend of classes this week also, with our test friday. We also have bedbath/oral hygiene preformance on each other, and clinical group meetings. I am looking forward to seeing who my instructor is. I already know the hospital I'll be going to. Soon I'll actually be a student nurse learning in a hospital. Scary!

125.5 lb

The weather is cold today. Have to walk B to school, get my haircut, return something at the store, and pick up pictures. Then I have to study, all while entertaining J today!

Tornado hits and getting real

This past Saturday we were out of town. We had traveled down to the lake/camper to spend one last weekend there. At about 10:30 pm Sat night, we got a call from our security system company that they were getting a flood alarm from our house. Crap. This is my husbands greatest fear. We have a sump in our basement and it fills up often and fast. Our house is not situated the greatest and the drainage is bad. So, it is important that the sump runs and is working. We even have a back up and a battery operated one in case of emergency. Anyway, we called the neighbor to check it out, as we were 4 hours away. We also got in our car and headed home, as bad storms were passing through. We needed to be home to assess the situation. What a fun night. Driving from 11 pm - 3 am, and up until 4 am. Not fun, when your kids get up by 7! The basement was wet around the perimeter and so now all the carpet is pulled up and we have fans running and trying to suck up as much water as we can from the pad underneath. But.... I feel lucky. Many people have no house to live in, after a tornado went through our town, and 2 neighborhoods were hit very bad, with over 200 houses not livable. To make it even more devastating, a 10 year old girl was killed when the house collapsed on top of her. She was with a babysitter (her brother I believe) and they did not hear sirens or know to go to the basement. How terrible and sad. This girl went to B's school, and I am sure he will hear about it and have lots of questions. I am just so sad for this family and all of her friends. How hard for a 5th grader to have to go through losing a classmate. I feel so lucky that we are all safe and our house was in tact when we got home. Please say a prayer for the families with no home.

This all has to happen on a test week for me, which really makes studying hard. With lack of sleep and the basement mess to deal with . I don't know when I'll study for my saturday exam. I am very worried about it. I really want to do well.

Lastly, I decided to step on the scale today and see the damage. 127 lb. There, I am up to 127 lb. I think partly due to having AF, but mostly due to lack of effort on my part. If you remember right, I went from 131 down to about 122 from May to Aug, now I am almost back to where I started. Very disappointing and depressing. I am disgusted and worn out with the struggle. I know it is a daily struggle for me to remain the weight I want to be. If I get off track at all, I just get more off track and then I just ignore it until I decide to face it again and get upset again and try again. I am back on the weight loss horse, and hoping most of this is just water weight and not "real" weight. A week ago I was about 124 so I don't think I really gained 3 lb in a week. I haven't been out of control eating, just not being as careful as I should. I'll keep posting my progress on here and maybe that will help. I am actually facing the facts here, and posting it even though it embarasses me since I had done so well for so long.

Good bye for now!

Results and finding time to breathe....

Have exactly 5 minutes before I have to bring J to her 2nd day of preschool. She loves it and can't wait to go. B is still getting used to going every day to 1st grade. I sometimes feel bad that he has to be so busy so soon. They already have homework, not a lot, and not hard, but still... He has a spelling test Friday already. Luckily he knows the words already and how to spell them. He is tired and getting used to the new, very busy, schedule.

Anyway, my studying paid off and here are my results from my first few weeks of school:
First Theory test 96%
Drug Calculation Exam 100%

Coming up: First lab/seminar test in 10 days and medical terminology test the next week. Lots of studying and reading to do in the next week. It is a constant busy, no down time between tests. There is always something around the corner. I also have a growth and development paper and presentation the first week in oct, and a cultural group project to get going on. Clinicals will be starting mid october.

Gotta run!

First day of first grade and hitting the books

Today I sent my oldest child to first grade. He will be gone every day all day!!! I am a little bit sad over this, but I will be ok. I will miss him and look forward to 3:30 every day when I can go meet him at the crossing guard. I am so very proud of my big boy!!

I better get going, here is a picture of my kitchen table tonight. I am busy studying for my first big test tomorrow night. Wish me luck!!

Summer in Pictures

Since I have a ton of pictures on my computer, I decided to post some of my favorites from this summer. I know I love it when other bloggers post pictures!

These are pictures of J and B before their uncle Mark's wedding in May:













Here are the kids tubing behind the boat!




I love this one, B riding the merry go round at the local fair:



Typical J, tired from playing hard all day, face full of dirt, hair a mess, and wearing her favorite color blue! This was taken when my husband had the kids all weekend and I was on my "girls only" weekend. He took them camping with his family:


And here is my "girls" weekend. We are on the pontoon having fun in the sun!

The summer is coming to a close. Another summer gone, another fall around the corner. It is always bittersweet. I love spending time with my kids, and not having something to rush off to every morning. I love letting them stay up late playing kickball with the neighbor kids and not worrying about geting them to bed at a certain time. I love watching them get dirty in the hot sun, playing with cousins around a campfire. I love the wind in our hair as we ride in the boat. I love their smiles and their laughter. Here's to a great summer 2006 and looking forward to an even greater fall!

Visitors!!!

If you visit my blog, please leave me a comment today with your blog address. I would love to add some new blogs to my list, and would LOVE to hear from anyone who reads my blog. I am not always the greatest at leaving comments on other blogs, but I'm trying to get better and I'd love to know if you are reading. Just a quick hello and your blog link! Pretty please????? Thanks!!!!!

My Other Half

As I was looking through pictures on my computer, I found this one of my husband and I. I thought about it, and realized I rarely talk about him on my blog, and should do a post about him. I also realized that I have very few pictures of the 2 of us together. We used to get our picture taken all the time when we were first dating, but now I'm always the one behind the camera. So, we really need to work on that. At our church directory pictures, we ordered a trio of pictures where there is one of the kids at the top, the 4 of us in the middle, and the 2 of us at the bottom. I'm so glad we did that, and can't wait until it arrives (should get here sometime this week). I really love the pictures and especially the one of just the 2 of us. I really do think we make a cute couple!!! It is hard sometimes to make time for each other, but my husband truly is my best friend. We have been through so much together and our lives are so busy, but we really are happiest when we are together. I hope he always knows how much he means to me. So, here is a blog posting dedicated to my other half, my better half.

My First Week and Other News

I am done with my first week of nursing school. Sometimes I feel like I have such a LONG way to go. 2 years of this. Of going to school every other weekend. That is such a sacrifice. I realized this last weekend when my family went to a wedding, that my daughter was IN, and I was in class from 8am - 4pm each day. Can we say depressing???? But I handled it fine, we made it through, and I now am committed to this. I can do it. I want this. I really do think this is what I want to be when I grow up. It better be!!!

Besides my life consuming education, we are facing some changes with the kids' school starting here in the next couple weeks. B has his open house Thur night and we will meet his teacher and see his classroom. He is nervous, like he was last year, but once he is there he does fine. He is such an outgoing and funny kid, he gets along with everyone. First grade will be a big change going every day, but I hope he will handle it fine.

J has her visiting day at preschool next Friday. She will have no problem with preschool, as she went last year and loves new experiences and people. For a baby who hated anyone but me, she sure has turned out to be an extrovert. Funny how both my kids seem to be quite extroverted, when I am the opposite. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to them, they are so unlike me. But that makes it all the more fun, when your kids actually have personalities of their own! I always thought they would be "little me's" but boy was I wrong. Even my daughter who looks quite a lot like me, is a little spitfire personality. And my son, he is everything I wish I was. Really. I sometimes can't believe they are mine.

I am officially a nursing student

I started classes on Monday. I have a busy first week since we have weekend class this Sat and Sun. I had class 3 hours on each monday and wednesday nights, and will have class from 8am to 5pm on Sat and Sun. I will have every other weekend off. The program seems organized and the teachers seem great so far. There is a LOT of work, a lot of reading, tests, papers, labs, etc. Clinicals will start in October. I am nervous for that, but will worry about it when the time comes. I just can't believe I am actually in the nursing program. I have been preparing and thinking about this for almost 3 years now. It seemed so far away and now I have started. I'm sure it will go very fast. It will be tough and at times I am sure I will be thinking I was crazy. But I still do think I made the right decision to switch careers and start a new path. I hope it is what I have been hoping for!!!

Body Image

I am finally getting to a point where I am liking my body a little bit better. I am very hard on myself and even though I am not overweight I still have not liked my body much since I've had kids. Heck, even before kids I was not really impressed by it! Maybe us women are never really in love with our bodies, but we should be! We should be proud of what they can do and the babies they have birthed and the hurtles they have crosses. With age, bodies change. What was perky and hard in our teens are getting softer and saggier. This is inevitable. I will probably never love my breasts, they are on the bigger side and aren't perky in the least bit. I have never liked my stomach. I don't mind my legs and arms. I have worked hard on my health this summer. I have been eating much better and exercising. I have lost almost 10 lb since May. I have never lost that much before this year. I am hoping that I will not go back to the weight I was in May. I have always struggled, but I am doing better than ever. I think going back to school will keep me busy and keep my thoughts away from food. I fear I won't exercise enough but I will try my best to keep some sort of exercise in my life. I know I'm a happier person when I'm a healthier person. I want to be around for a LONG time for my kids and my family. I owe them and ME a long and healthy life.

Is it just me???

I can't be alone in how I feel lately about my kids. I love my kids more than anything. I think they are beautiful, funny, smart, amazing kids.... BUT they have been driving me crazy. As I am a stay at home mom, I am with them a lot. Probably too much. I feel like I am constantly telling them to stop doing that, stop fighting, don't do this, put that down, no you can't play video games again today, etc etc. I think they have a pretty good life. They have millions of toys, activities planned for them a lot of the time. They have a mom who plays with them and takes them places they like to go. A house full of things they like and activities to do. I sometimes feel like they are ungrateful and do not even know how much they have or how lucky they are. I think that a lot of kids do not know how good they have it, mine included. I don't like feeling like the mean mommy, the one who is always on them to stop doing things, and punishing them. I feel like it is too negative lately, that I am crabby a lot lately. I don't like it. I have a lot of guilt about it. I know that they have it good. I am not a bad mom. I just am human and I can't be happy all the time even though I wish I could. My son has just started to get into video games, and I swear he is obsessed. I let him play about 1 hr a day max. Well, he was having trouble falling asleep at night, so I told him yesterday that he couldn't play. ( I wanted to see if he would get to sleep better- he did). All day he was asking about it. I just wanted to set the law and him to drop it. He wouldn't. I was getting frustrated with him. I did try again today to let him play for about 30 min, and he again was having trouble falling asleep. Any suggestions??? Ban the video games??? Permanantly? It is so hard in today's society, where it is the norm for all kids to be into video games. I know it is stupid, but I don't want him to be the odd one out for not playing or having them. I was going to buy him a gameboy for Xmas this year, because it is the thing that EVERYONE has. But I know that is not the right reason to buy him one. I think it is the part of me that still wants to fit in. I was a very shy kid, and didn't feel like I fit in, and I don't want my kids to feel that way. Therefore, I tend to let them be like the other kids. Basically spoil them. Anyway, so I'm torn on the video games. That has been driving me crazy with him. And my daughter has been so bossy with me lately. She really thinks she runs the show. She orders people around and wants her way, and if she doesn't get it, she has a meltdown. She is 4, and I expect more from her. She can be very sweet and loving one minute and be sobbing and screaming the next if something isn't going her way. I know, part of that is normal but it still can get old after a while. I just sometimes feel like I am doing something wrong. I have major mommy guilt. I don't want to feel guilt, I just want to know I'm doing my best and that my kids are learning something good from me. I want to be a good example and show them how to be good kids and good people. This parenting thing is tough....

Vacation Bible School and Misc. Thoughts...

If you haven't sent your kids to vacation bible school, you should consider it. My kids just love it. I love it. Everyone who is involved loves it. It is a time of bonding, learning, playing, and singing. And boy do they sing. Picture 400 kids, preschoolers to 5th graders, along with about 140 teen/adult volunteers, all in a big room jamming. It gives me goosebumps. The kids just have a blast. They are tired at the end of the week, but they remember it all year. This is my second year working, B's second year, and J's first year.

B had 2 cavities filled yesterday. Bummer.

J had her second gymnastics class last night. Loves it.

Had National Night Out last night in the rain at a neighbors. Wasn't going to go but I changed my mind and glad I went. It was nice to talk to some people I don't talk to enough. Nice to bond with neighbors and watch kids play in the rain, splash in all the puddles, and laugh. It was calming to me, brought me back to when I was a kid and we knew and played with all our neighbors. I want that for my kids. It isn't as easy today with many parents working long hours and many families with weekend cabins that aren't around much.

I start school in 19 days. I can't even believe this. Where has my summer gone. I still have so many things I want to do. I know this is not the case, but I feel like life as I/we know it will never be the same. Of course it will change, but it's not like I'm being locked up for 2 years. I will still have some sort of a life (I hope).

Oh, that reminds me, I ordered my text books from a big online retailed who also has a marketplace where independent sellers can sell their books. Bad idea! Two of the books never showed up. I emailed the sellers multiple times with NO response AT ALL. One seller doesn't even seem to have a valid email. I am so mad. I even had emailed with one of them before I ordered with some questions, and they were happy to reply to me then, but now they won't respond. I think I can get my money back, but that will take me hours on the computer to get the complaint filed and then I still have to find a way to get the books. I did this so I wouldn't have to go to the school bookstore and pay full price. And now I have to do just that because I need them in 19 days. Never again will I do that. I do not recommend it. I am so mad just thinking about it.

I am off to play with B, since J is at a friends house.

Summer Fun and Pierced Ears

Gosh, it is the very end of July and I have not posted since a month ago. BAD Blogger!!! I guess that is why I have very few readers and my blog is pretty boring!!! I will try to change that someday... I guess we have been busy doing typical summer things. I can't believe it is already almost August. Soon I will be in school and the kids will be getting ready for school and everything will be all scheduled and busy again. We have had a few short trips and one long trip to the in laws camper at the lake. We had a blast swimming in the lake, mini golfing, fishing, and having campfires. The kids just love the camper life! Small spaces, living out of suitcases, sleeping on an air mattress, being dirty, eating when we are hungry, no chores or housework to worry about. It is nice, but it is still nice to come home to normal! I have to say the summer is going so fast it scares me. I had wanted a relaxing summer of playing and hanging out. Instead, we are pretty busy with sports, weekend plans and projects. The kids have vacation bible school this week. I am volunteering so instead of having 3 blissful hours of alone time every day this week, I chose to make crafts with 100 preschoolers a day. Hmmm, maybe I should have re-thought that! Last year I had a blast as a crew leader for B, so I really wanted to participate again this year. The record heat wave has made it hard to be outside much, but we hope to have a fun week and try to stay cool.

Another fun thing we did yesterday. J got her ears pierced! Nothing I had even planned on doing. She had been bugging me for about a year to get it done, but when we had gone into a jewelry store in the past she had said maybe when she was older. So, this time we went in just to look at the earrings you could pierce with and she saw another little girl getting hers done. The little girl was crying and not really a good example I didn't think. But J insisted on doing it. She was very brave. She wouldn't even sit on my lap, she wanted to be so big. She didn't cry after the first one, but did a little after the second one. But it was short lived and she now has little crystal flowers, very cute and makes her look so much older. I really had wanted her to wait until she was older to get them done but she was so excited about it, I gave in.

I will write again soon...........

Summer livin'

The days of summer are officially here now that it is the first day of summer. The days have been hot, sometimes rainy, humid, and the light of day stays until late at night. The kids do not go to bed as early, and love to play outside, go the park, or visit the beach. We are busy with baseball and soccer, swimming and relaxing. The city days are this weekend. There is a parade Saturday and rides all weekend. Always a fun time, a tradition now that we always go to the parade. The kids love the candy! Of course!

Hate to jinx myself, but today the scale said 122.5 lb. I don't think I've seen tha number since about 1997. I think when I got married I was in the high 120's. of course I think my body is no where near where it used to be. I don't really feel smaller. I am not sure where the weight is coming off of! Where I want the weight to be from is my stomach and mid section. But I don't notice a big difference in that area. I probably have smaller breasts and maybe the butt?? I should have taken a before pic so I could compare! Anyway I guess exercising more will help the stomach area problem.

Anyway we must get ready for B's soccer game tonight!

All "S's" and bubble gum

Thought I'd try to do a quick kid update!

B:
B is almost done with soccer. Last game he got 2 goals! He was so happy and surprised. He has had 4 goals this season and seems to love the games. He is obsessed with keeping score. He is fast to get back to protect the net. He would like to be a goalie someday (in this age group they don't have a goalie yet). He is in his second week of baseball and seems to like that too. He has had fun this summer playing outside, riding his bike, spending time with his treasured toys in the house, and playing in the new fort in the backyard. He loves those freezies (long popsicle things) and eats at least 2 a day. He likes to play basketball with daddy or tag with J and I. I love to see him running around like the true boy he really is. He is into swords, dressing up, pirates, and dinosaurs. He got all S's on his report card (they only have S=satisfactory and N=needs improvement). We were so proud.

J:
J learned to blow a bubble today. She is so excited she has told me about 100 times. "I can't believe I can do it!" It is funny. She gets frustrated when it doesn't work. J gets frustrated easy. She wants to do everything from buckling herself in her carseat to opening the doors. She wants to be just like B. She loves to go to the park and get pushed on the tire swing. She has taken a liking to our dog and follows her around the house trying to pick her up. She also loves to help me and follow me around. I don't think 5 minutes passes without her finding me wherever I am. She is really into princesses, the color blue (still), and animals.

Weight Loss

I haven't really posted lately on here about my weight loss efforts. Partly because I usually don't have much to report and sometimes I tend to start out great and lose my motivation quickly. This time I have been doing much better. I don't know why. I think part of it is that I got sick of the cycle of losing a few, gaining them back, etc etc. I also wanted to feel good in my summer clothes and have more energy. I wanted to make it really happen this time. Anyway, I've been working hard (despite one weekend that I royally over ate) since about May 7. So, it's been a little over a month. I've been walking 3 miles a few times a week. I have to admit I hvae not been exercising as much as I should. I know that would help. The part I'm proud of is my eating. If you've read my blog, you know I have food issues, overeating issues. I love food. I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, lonely, you name it. I have been eating 20 points a day (weight watchers). I am sticking to it. I have been buying foods that are low in points and when I eat out I really have been trying to get something low in points. I still eat sweets but low points sweets. I still eat every food group. I have not given up any carbs or anything else. I just eat less of what I like. I have been eating more fruits and veggies. I feel good about it, and really feel like I can do it. My breakfast is a bowl of measured out cereal and milk, or eggbeaters with lowfat cheese and light bread. My lunch is a sandwich with light bread. I then will have a fruit or veggie and sometimes a 2 point granola bar. My snack is a yogurt and maybe fruit again. My dinner is a lean cuisine or a veggie burger, salad, and a treat. My treat is usually a low cal/low points ice cream bar. I love the Healthy Choice caramel ice cream sandwiches. I highly recommend them. They are SO GOOD! They are 3 points each. I am then usually done eating by 6pm every day. I will sometimes have a hot chocolate before bed. If I'm really hungry at night I have a salad. My total weight loss so far is about 7 lb. I started about 131 or so. I am now at 123.5. I am sure I'll gain some around my time of the month and I'm sure I will fluctuate as most people do. I am focusing on staying on track and knowing I'm doing the right thing. I am trying not to focus on the number on the scale. If I stay on track overall I will lose weight. I know that I can stick to it. This is the longest I have ever stuck to my plan. It is the lowest weight I have been at since before I got married. I hope it motivates me to change my life and make this a new normal for me.

Summer Vacation

Well, tomorrow is officially the start of B's first actual summer vaction from school. He has his last day tomorrow and I am a little sad about it. He is done with kindergarten! He is now a first grader! Where did the year go? And this time next year J will be getting ready for kindergarten. Wow, will that be a change. I am in the middle of my class from he*l and am half done this thursday. I have only been to class 3 times to take tests. I have not been to a single real lecture. And I am doing fine. It is a boring class. I will be so relieved to have it behind me. I had my nursing orientation on Saturday. I was overwhelmed by it. I think the next 2 years will be very challenging for the whole family. They said you should study 24 hr a week. That doesn't include class time. That is a heck of a lot of study time when I have 2 young kids and the house and cooking and activities etc. Where will I find 24 hrs to study? I have no childcare and my husband travels a lot. I think I will be up early and to sleep late many nights. I am also very excited to start nursing school. I ordered my stethoscope, in burgandy! (you have to chose a color, kind of silly). I also have to buy scubs, white shoes, and get my pre-clinical physical.
I just know that it will work out fine, I'll get through it, and I have to stay positive. It will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do but it will be worth it.

Sibling Love

My kids truly love each other. They have a bond that I love watching grow and change as they get older. They seem to care more about the other one than themselves at times. Weird as that is for a 6 and almost 4 year old it is true. My son B, definately shows that he really loves his sister. Tonight at soccer she was trying to practice with the team and B wanted her to be able to go first and he wanted to play things again so she could try to successfully do them. It was so sweet that he was putting her first. He wanted her to have her turn before him, which is pretty selfless for a 6 year old. She adores her brother as well. As you can see in this picture, they are wearing matching shirts. This is because she just HAD to have an army shirt like her brother (the numbers and letters on the shirt are camoflauge). Every time she sees something with an army theme (there are a lot of clothes out there lately with that motif), she will say "B would like that!". They like to buy things for each other and point out what the other would like if I am shopping with one of them alone. They love to play together and miss each other when they are apart. I can only wish for them that they will always be so close. I want them to be best friends. I have 2 brothers but I do not have the relationship with them that I wish I did. We did not grow up as great friends. We had more of a love/hate relationship, fighting and arguing a lot. Don't get me wrong, my kids argue and fight a lot too. But I can see more than anything, that they have a great love for each other. I don't know what I can do as a mother to keep their relationship strong, but I will do my best. I know that nature will probably determine their destiny as friends, but I can pray that they will always love each other as much as they do now.

How Other People Parent

I know it should not affect me how others parent their children. It really is none of my business and I shouldn't let it get to me. However, there is a situation on B's soccer team that really drives me nuts. Maybe I'm crazy but it does. There is this one player, N, who refuses to play. Flat out will not go out there and play at all. They have had 2 practices and 2 games so far and he will not participate. These are 5 and 6 year olds. He is 5 I think. Going into kindergarten. Anyway, at the game last night I was observing how his parents react to him and it was a total control game. They would basically beg him to play "come on buddy, let's give it a try, come on it will be fun" and he would stubbornly sit on the side and refuse. At that point, maybe it's just me, but I would be leaving. I would not be begging my child to play. I would not be playing that game. If he won't play, then he doesn't get to stay and he definately does NOT get the treat at the end of the game. (each player takes a turn bringing treats and drinks). Well, N did get the treat and had a big smile after the game. This also makes me mad because each team only has 8 kids, and 4 are out at at time. Last night only 6 kids showed up so since N would not play, they only had 1 sub. So, the kids had to play basically the whole game. Not a huge deal, but they get tired. They are only 5 and 6 years old and they need a break. It just really got to me, the way he just sat there gloating because he was winning the battle. His parents were totally kissing his butt the entire time. I would be so mad if I brought my kid to soccer to watch him, and he would not play at all. And it's not like he is really shy or has something wrong with him. The few times he has participated in practice (with daddy practially holding his hand) he has been able to kick the ball and run. He does not seem to be shy or anything. He just will not play. So, there isn't anything I can do. I want to say why are you letting him do this? Have you thought about leaving the game and not letting him have a reward for not playing? But I won't because I can't say anything. I want to believe me, but I won't. I will have to bite my tongue and try to understand. I truly think if I were in the same situation I would not just sit there begging him to play. I think I truly would leave. But I am not in that situation. The mom says he is the oldest and he isn't used to doing things like this. Well, B is my oldest so that is no excuse. I feel so bad for this kids kindergarten teacher. If he is like this for soccer, which is FUN and playing with other kids, what will he be like when mommy and daddy aren't there to save him when he really has to do something?? Hopefully, venting here will help me let this go!

Psychology Class From Hell!

I think this summer class I am taking is going to be terrible! I am not planning on going much because:

1. It is 3 days a week and I am not going to waste 3 days a week at school for a professor who doesn't really teach.
2. I think that it is a fairly easy class, and if I get A's on all the tests I should be fine.
3. I was not really impressed at all with the teacher. I found him dry, long winded, and in 3 hours he didn't even get through the syllabus.
4. Most the people are in their first class or first year and I think the class will be easy due to it being a first level class.
5. I am pretty good at studying, so I'm pretty confident I can do well.

I may change my mind if I do poorly on the first test (next Tues!). A bummer is that there are 6 tests, one a week for god's sake. That is a lot of reading, even if it is easy. I still have to study. I will not accept lower than an A so I have to keep up with reading. Wish me luck.

I am a Mother

I am a mother. Sometimes I am a good mother. Sometimes I am a GREAT mother. Sometimes I am a terrible mother. Regardless, I am a mother. Sometimes I yell. I usually regret it. Sometimes I apologize for being a crabby mom. Sometimes I make them laugh so hard they almost pee their pants. Sometimes I let them make a huge mess. Sometimes I don't even make them go to bed until 10 pm. There are times where I have days that I want to forget. There are days that I want to remember forever. Sometimes we race across the back yard giggling. Sometimes I let them buy something just because. I check them every night before I go to bed, sometimes twice. I still check if they are breathing. Sometimes I kiss them and they wipe the kisses away. They say they want to live with me forever. My son wants to marry me. My daughter wants to have nine kids. Sometimes they say things and I want to hold it in my mind forever. Like the day she comes in and says "mom, I have happiness, B was pushing me on the swing!" Makes my heart melt. Today is mothers day and I am a mother. I thank God for the 2 little blessings in my life. Even if I am not perfect, they love me no matter what.

Quick post from a major stress filled day!

Today is my final test in Micro. I am so nervous about it, and so excited to be done! I can't wait until 8:30! I have to do well and it will be hard. I am getting a low A and I really really really want an A in the class. I hope I do ok. I have not studied enough, this weekend was just so busy.

I did the 8 mile MS Walk Sunday. It was beautiful and sunny. The walk was great and I used it as my starting point for a healthier summer. I did 3 miles today (walking) and am eating 20 points a day. I am at 130 lb right now. I don't want to spend another summer at 130 lb. I want to weigh between 120-125. I also want to exercise more, not to lose weight but to be healthy. I want to take care of my body. I know I can do this.

I will hopefully be around this blog more after my final. This summer will hopefully be relaxing, the calm before the storm (nursing school in the fall!).

Update

Well, it's monday morning again. J is done with preschool as of last week so now just B is in school the next month. He didn't want to get up today. He was tired and I think he is getting another little cold. I felt bad, but he had to go to school! J and I dropped him at the crossing guard then went to Target for a few things. We are now back home and I am studying for my final next week (well not really studying all that hard).

It is May 1st and it is raining. It has been raining for 4 days now. It is getting a little depressing. The kids just want to play outside like they did last week in the warm sun. I know we need the rain, but come on!

We had a pretty uneventful weekend. B had a birthday party and we visited the church garage sale. The kids each got a toy that they didn't need. I hope to talk them out of some toys to sell at my garage sale this weekend! They also got some books. They were 10 for a dollar so we couldn't pass that up. We also went to the library book sale but only got a couple books there. Sunday I went to a purse open house and got a cute imitation designer bag. Granted, it still cost $80 and that was more than I wanted to spend, but they were all in the $75-80 range. Even the fake designer bags are going up in price. Last year I went to a party and they were all around $40-50. Oh well, I still love the bag I got. It is a bigger one with a colorful patchwork design on the front. A good travel bag. Not too big but big enough to hold quite a bit. There were at least 2 others I would have loved to buy but I held back. I know we don't have a lot of extra money to spend on that kind of stuff. Times like that it would be nice if I had a job to make a little extra! In all due time though that will happen.

My class is almost done. I have this week and my final next week. I have to do a presentation this week which I am NOT looking forward to. I also have a lot of studying to do for my final. I just want it to be done. This class has not been fun.

This weekend I have my garage sale at my moms. I also am doing the MS Walk on Sunday. 7 miles and hoping for sun. Last year it rained the whole time with some snow mixed in for good measure. It should be fun. 5 of my friends are all walking so it will go fast talking and visiting with them.

Well, better get studying!

My Two Angels

We actually did this project a while back, last month I think. We found a fun library book on salt dough projects. We made up a big batch and got to work sculpting, baking, and painting our creations. It is always fun to do craft projects with the kids. They love to make things and love the outcome. We made animals and then I attempted a mini magic wand for J and a sword for B. The wand ended up breaking, but it was fun anyway. I love how intense the kids look in these pictures. They are so busy working away on their project. I love how I got pictures when they didn't know I was taking them, those are always my favorite. Here are the pictures of our crafty day!

"Boxing it Out"

I'm reading a library book I picked up the other day "The Thin Commandments". I had not heard of it, I just kind of blindly grabbed it in the health section. But reading this book has kind of opened my eyes to a lot of my eating issues. I realize now that I have trigger foods that once I eat one I trigger cravings for more of the same type of food, and that the trigger can result in a day long or week long or month long binge of junk. The author recommends eating foods you like in moderation, IF you can control your cravings and have a small portion of it. If a certain food/s trigger binge eating, then you need to "box them out" of your life basically. Which, in theory may sound hard, but it really actually liberates you to not have the issue with that food any longer. He says to find replacements that give you satisfaction, that you can eat without binging. This theory works because you aren't trying to bargin with yourself (I'll only eat one chocolate, no maybe 2, or 3....) and in turn you don't even really have to think about it. Chocolate is a big trigger for me. I might have to totally eliminate it from my diet. Some other trigger foods for me are chips of any kind, finger foods like crackers (wheat thins, triscuits, etc), and sweets like bars and cookies. I sometimes end up eating so much I get sick. Therefore, I know I'd feel better if I didn't eat them at all. I still have to finish the book and figure out my replacements and how I will handle certain situations. But, a lot of it so far has really clicked with me and my problems.

Other things...
I'm slowly getting used to the idea of nursing school this fall. I am excited. I get to go to orientation early June to find out all the details. I will have class M,W nights and every other weekend. The weekends will be hard for all of us. Hard for me to get up and going early in the morning when I just want to sleep in and be with my family. Hard for my kids who are rarely away from me. Hard for my husband who will have a big life change! But it will go very fast I know it, and I know there are lots of people who have to be gone from their family to work or go to school. We can do this and I will do it! I can't wait to actually get in the hospital and learn my nursing skills. I am very excited!

We had B's wrestling banquet last night. I can't express enough how great wrestling has been for him. He has really flourished with the great coaches he has had. And it has bonded him and my husband in a special way. He has really grown a lot this year.

Well, off to mop the floors!

What have I gotten myself into????

Well, all this talk about getting into nursing school (or not...) and I had convinced myself that it wouldn't happen. THE LETTER came TODAY, a month and a half earlier than it was scheduled to come. My husband caught me off guard and called me while I was shopping, saying that a letter arrived that said I got into the nursing program for fall of this year!! I was shocked and happy to say the least! I guess I will be a nursing student in 6 months!

I shouldn't settle for less...

I am tired also of settling for less than my best. Maybe I feel that perfection is not attainable so why even bother??? I really do not understand my own decisions. I do know that I can do better and BE better and FEEL better. I know that I do not want to go into another summer not wanting to wear a bathing suit, and ashamed of my body. I want to go into the summer feeling great and liking my body, feeling strong and capable of actually doing something for myself. I am so hard on myself in certain areas but not in this area. I am critical of myself but I do not expect much of myself. I expect to fail, and I do fail. Anyway, it is about 3 months from swimsuit season, and that it plenty of time to get myself in order. I want a lifestyle change. I want to live in a way that supports healthy eating and exercising, not overeating and feeling bad about it. If anyone has any great tips for making a total life makeover, let me know. I'm a little clueless as to how to keep it going. I have no problem starting out fine. I just usually let it slide til I'm back to the bad habits. I don't want to make extreme changes all at once, but I want to slowly adapt a healthier relationship with food/eating and in turn lose some weight and gain some muscle. I am not fat. I have never really been fat. I am a little chubby for my height. Mostly around the middle. A sure sign of overeating and not exercising I know. I usually eat fine during the day, at home but then overeat at night. And I am terrible about eating out anywhere but home. I just love food that much. I also take seconds often. 2 new rules I will try to adopt today are:

• No second helpings at dinner.
• Drink 3 large bottles of water daily.
• Aim for 20 points daily. Keep track of food intake.

Tired

I am tired of:

• Not liking my body.
• Not liking the way my clothes fit.
• Having clothes that are 1 size too small for me that I'd love to wear and COULD wear if I were just 5 lb lighter or more fit.
• Overeating then feeling terrible about it.
• Not finding time for exercise.
• Feeling lazy and sluggish.
• Rolls on my stomach 3 1/2 years after having my last baby.
• Knowing what I need to do to feel/look good and not doing it.
• Not liking myself enough to do what I should do.
• Not knowing WHY I do this and continue to do this year after year after year.
• Knowing I have so much more potential.

And now for my first love, My B!

Not "officially" a first love, but the first time I have had immediate love for someone, such unconditional pure love. Never had I experienced that before and never would I again until J came along. I will always thank B for being my first born, my first baby. I will always be grateful to God for giving me my 2 healthy beautiful children.

B is my oldest, my boy. He has the purest heart, he is so honest, at 6 years old, and it wise beyond his years. I look at him recently and see the baby long gone, and the boy taking his place. I see the same face I have always seen. But the body is long and lean, with muscles now used for wrestling matches. His eyes are the same, but the face is now free of baby fat. The dimples are still there, and I remember seeing those dimples on him for the first time as a newborn. How we wondered where they came from. The bald head that once was, is now full of thick dark blonde hair. Hair that cannot be tamed or cut to look quite right. But beautiful hair nonetheless. B is a boy full of emotions. He can go from laughing to crying in a heartbeat. If he wants something he does not give up on it. He can remember things from years ago. He sets his mind to something and usually does it. He has the most infectious laugh. He loves fiercely and has a passion for life I can only hope to have someday. He was a happy baby, and a challenging toddler. He has been a joy in my life from the day he was born.

Here are my thoughts on B at age 6:

• He can color for hours, until his neck is sore! He colors coloring books and is very good at it!
• He can count to 100 and beyond
• He loves ice cream with chocolate on top.
• He loves me to read him chapter books, his current favorite being the Captain Underpants series. Our last series was Magic Treehouse.
• He loves to be around other kids. He is very outgoing and friendly. Very unlike I was at his age.
• His favorite outfit is his camoflauge turtleneck and matching pants.
• He loves birthday cake with lots of frosting.
• He can bike 3 miles.
• He has a beautiful singing voice.
• He loves to write short stories.
• He loves me to sleep with him a while before saying good night.
• He loves to wrestle his dad (and sister)!

I love you B!

My little J

Why do I find it hard to post regularly? I am on the computer every day, how hard would it be to post a little something??? Anyway, I am going to write a little about my daughter J today. We are home alone right now and I just braided her hair. I sometimes look at her and can't believe she is mine. My little girl. When I was pregnant with her I swore she was a boy. I never expected a girl to come out. For some reason, I had pictured myself with 2 boys. But she came out, and at that moment I couldn't imagine anything different. From the very start, she had a personality. A strong personality! She cried her first night. The whole night. I don't know if she was mad or hungry, or scared. I know I held her and nursed her a lot. The first year of her life she would not let anyone near her except me, and maybe her big brother sometimes. She would not even let her own dad hold her unless she was in a REALLY good mood. Eventually she started to like other people. This helped me a lot, that first year was tough. Now she is very friendly and independent. She will tell me to leave when I drop her off at preschool if I stay too long. She is an example of how meeting a babies needs, however tough it may be, will make a child more secure later. I met her every need as a baby. Yes, I got frustrated with her CONSTANT need of me, but I hardly ever let her cry and nursed her until she was almost 2 years old. She gave that up herself very easily. Yes, she did have some rules but I pretty much held her all the time and nursed her often. She was a very needy baby, and a very demanding baby. She is still a demanding child. She wants things her way, she likes to be in charge. She likes to be bossy. I know that part of this is being 3. For her, 3 is tougher than 2. She is trying to find herself. I know she will always be a strong and independant girl and woman. I hope she is. I was always painfully shy and quiet as a child, I do not think she will be like me. I want her to be confident and speak her mind. In a kind way of course. I want her to be a good friend, and a good listener. She loves with all her heart, and is very affectionate. She is my little girl.

A couple funny things I want to remember about J at 3 1/2:

• When she gets sad or upset, she goes under the piano bence and puts her face on the floor to pout/cry.
• She will punch her own leg when she is frustrated.
• She loves to dance with her brother and I to music on TV.
• She loves to help to laundry with me.
• When she is talking to her dad or I , she loves to grab our face with her hands and get really close.
• She hates the song "Icky Sticky Bubble Gum", especially the part about it getting stuck in your hair.
• She loves the color blue, with a passion.
• She loves mint Pria bars.
• Her favorite shoes are red sparkly "Dorothy" shoes.
• She loves the movies "Zathura" and "Spy Kids"
• She loves to hop.
• She pinches her belly when she is tired.

I love you J!

This and That

Well, it is mid-February and this winter stuff is getting old up here in MN. It has been cold, and I mean COLD, the last few days. Like -15 degrees cold. The kind of cold that hurts when you go outside, the kind of cold that you can't go out unless it is straight to a very warmed up car and back again. I am so ready for spring, so are my kids. They want to run and play and swim and ride bikes. I can't say things have been really exciting in my life lately. I bring the kids to school, I pick them up, I study a little bit, I go to school 2 nights a week. I go to wrestling practice. I clean the house, do a little laundry, scrub a toilet. I cook dinner and do the dishes. Pretty mundane. But good nonetheless. Hubby is going on a trip for work all week, so that makes thing a little more interesting. I have to be the primary caretaker 24/7 all week, which can take a toll, but we always get through it and most of the time have a smile on our faces!

School is going pretty well. I am not killing myself over this class. I am getting an A, but not a super high A. I got a 91 on the first test. Not great, but still the highest in the class (it was a hard test). I hope to do just enough to keep an A. In my past classes, I always was very close to 100% on everything. There is no need to do that, when I can still get an A at 90%. So, I am doing what I need to do, but not excessively.

B's wrestling has been a fun activity for us this winter. He has now participated in 4 tournaments. He got a 1st, two 2nd's and 1 3rd place. Today he got second, and did very well. The boys actually tied in win/loss so they had to count total points. So, he lost one match and won 2. Great job my little wrestler! He really has shown me what a true competitor he is. He has so much passion and drive, and I am so proud of him. He doesn't always win, but he always gives 100%.

J is going through a difficult phase, the "terrible 3's" I guess. She has been having lots of temper tantrums and yelling lately, but I am not making a big deal out of it. She is trying to test her boundaries and get people to do things for her and do whatever she wants. If she doesn't get her way she screams and cries. When I put her in her room, she has a huge fit, but then usually is over it soon and apologizes. I know it is just a phase she will be over soon.

This spring we are looking forward to soccer for B, swimming for B and J, and gymnastics for J once she turns 4. I am in a bad slump again with eating, and I am no where near swimsuit shape. I am not sure what to do about my terrible habits. I cannot seem to make the change within myself to be what I want to be. Maybe it is more psychological than I want to believe. Maybe I eat for many other reasons that I am not aware of. It is just such a big life change and I don't know how to do it.

Backup Plan

Well, as I stated before, my backup plan if I don't get into nursing school was to most likely get my nursing assistant certification and work part time as a NA. Now, I've given it some more thought and another option going through my head is to get my doula certification and get more involved in the birth aspect of nursing, since I really do want to be a OB/GYN nurse, and eventually a certified nurse midwife. I could either do birth doula or postpartum doula training. There are a few people in my area who do the training, and I have contacted them to get all the information. The one issue is that it would not be a cost that I would get reimbursed for (like I would as a nursing assistant) but the plus is that I would be getting a lot of birth experience. Another conflict is that my husband travels a lot and I would have to find someone who could take my kids at a moments notice (late births when he is gone etc). So, I have so thinking to do and try to find the option that best fits. I won't find out until May if I even get into the nursing program so I have until then to figure out what my plan will be.

Survey

[a is for age:]31

[b is for booze of choice:] perfect margarita at Applebees, lots of salt.

C is for career:]Stay at home mom and part time student, future nurse, used to be a chemical engineer

[d is for your dog’s name:]Roxy, pomeranian

[e is for essential items you use everyday:]My computer , deordorant, moisturizer

[f is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]Rascal Flatts

[g is for favorite games:]Guess Who (only play kids games really). Used to love 400

[i is for instruments you play:]piano

[j is for jam or jelly you like:]blackberry or strawbeer/rhubarb

[k is for kids:]Two. 1 boy and 1 girl.

[l is for last kiss:]couple hrs ago

[m is for most admired trait:]honesty and kindness

[n is for name of your crush:]Heath Ledger

[o is for overnight hospital stays:]Just when the kids were born.

[p is for phobias:]bad clausterphobia

[q is for quotes you like:] don't know any off the top of my head

[r is for biggest regret:]Not travelling more before I had kids and not getting the degree I really wanted in college

[s is for sweets of your choice:]Ice cream or chocolate of any kind!

[t is for time you wake up:] my daughter is my alarm clock, 7:30 am every morning.

[u is for underwear:]thongs when I go out, regular bikini when I'm home.

[v is for vegetables you love:] salad, red peppers

[w is for worst habit:]biting my nails, binge eating

[x is for x-rays you’ve had:]only dental I can think of

[y is for yummy food you make:] everything I make is yummy :)

[z is for zodiac sign:]Aries

Swelling with pride for my big boy!

Saturday January 28 was a very exciting day for our family, especially my son B! It happens to also be my dad's birthday (he turned 62). B entered his very first wrestling tournament. He is almost 6 years old and has been going to wrestling practice since early December. We weren't sure if he was really ready for competition, but he surprised us all by winning his group and getting 2 wins, both being pins! We are so very proud of him. The look on his face when he won was just priceless, and when they gave him this huge shiny trophy, my heart just about burst from my chest. He was the cutest thing I ever saw. My husband was a wrestler as a kid, and he was so thrilled with B. I know it is about having fun, but winning his first match just gave him such a confident boost, and made us all so happy, I am just so happy for him. I know he can do anything he sets his mind to and I am so proud of him.

To top off our fantastic day, we got home to his report card, which was a great improvement from last quarter. All around, it was a great day!

Movie Review

Well, for the first time in FOREVER, the hubby and I got a babysitter. Not just the grandparents but a real babysitter who would put the kids to bed, and we saw Broke*back Moun*tain. I had not heard a lot about the movie, except it was supposed to be very good and there were some graphic scenes. There were not really any too graphic scenes in my opinion. I thought it was very tastefully done. It really was a great movie. It was a true love story about 2 people, and it didn't matter that they just happened to both be men. It was really a touching movie. I thought He*ath Led*ger did a great job in this movie. I have always been a fan of his, but this movie really showed he is a great talent. Ja*ke Gyllenha*ll also did great, I loved them both in this movie. I recommend this to everyone, and hope it helps the world see how honest true love really is.

Nursing school may not happen this year.

I heard from someone who heard from someone else that to get into the program I want to get into (the night and weekend program), that you must have all your prerequisites complete and have practially a 4.0. The 4.0 part is fine, I get all A's, but I am in a class right now so that isn't considered complete, and I also have another class that I have not completed (general psych) So...my chances are not looking good, at least this year. I still turned in my application on friday. I really thought I had a chance this year. I know there is still a small chance but it looks like I'll have to wait until next year. So, I need a plan for what to do with a year off from school. I will most likely get my nursing assistant certification this summer and find a job as a nursing assistant next year part time. Probably every other weekend or something like that. I would prefer to work in a hospital as opposed to a nursing home. BUT, like all things, hospitals like experience and the only place to get the experience is at a nursing home. From what I gather, that is where most N.A's get their start. Maybe it won't be so bad. It will be experience, and a learning one at that! We have a big nursing home here, I think it is dementia patients mainly. Could be interesting. I know they are usually hiring, and have a tuition reimbursement program (will pay for the cost of the N.A. program if you stay with them a specific time period). So, I guess that is my plan. If I don't get in. Which I may. But probably not. And what sucks is that I don't find out until May 1! Keeping my fingers crossed.

credit card theft

I recently found out that someone has been using my credit card number, as well as my name, and I don't know what to think about this. I feel horrible, and angry. It is someone in Florida and I have no clue how they got my number, I'm assuming over the internet since it is the card I use primarily for internet purchases. It makes me scared, I never thought it was really that easy to get someone's number, but obviously it is. We shred all our documents here so I don't think it was someone searching the trash. I have no idea. They even changed the address and phone number with the credit card number, and cancelled the old card, and got a new card in my name. This way, the card company would not be calling me or sending me bills that I would question. I am scared they have my SS # and they will try to do other things in my name. I have a fraud alert out on my name for 90 days but how do I protect myself from further damage? I feel so violated and angry. If anyone has any experience in this, let me know!

Things going well otherwise. I've been doing some exercise almost daily, and I am eating better. I am back in school Tues and Th nights, and so that keeps me busier and helps me eat less. I am feeling good about things, and hope to keep it that way.

The Cheetos are staring me in the face....

I will not eat them. I will not eat them. I want to, as I am hungry. I am used to eating more food than I need to, therefore I will have to go through a few hungry days to shrink my stomach. It really would be easier to rid my house of all junk food as Dr. Phil recommends in his book. However, this is not so easy for me. I have my stepdaughter living her (she is 18) and she loves chips and ice cream. She just moved here and I want to have food she likes. I know it would benefit everyone to eat healthier, but she is a tiny thing (everyone in this house is on the small side except me who is very average). My husband plays basketball and is pretty fit, and does not need to lose any weight. He also enjoys chips and salsa and ice cream and sweets. My 2 little ones are also on the low end of the scale for weight and so I try to keep somewhat healthy food for them. Problem is that I also love granola bars, cereal, cheese etc. So, how do I overcome the strong urge to eat the junk????? I will not do it today. I will overcome for this day, but can I keep going??? Can I resist every time? I want to eat healthy, I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to sabotage myself each and every time. I am sick of it. I just LOVE food. I love all kinds of food, and I love to eat. I don't know WHY I love it, I wish very badly for it to take a back seat in my life. I know my relationship with food is NOT healthy. I really want to change it. I want to eat to live, not vice versa.

Today I had cereal before church, and of course hubby wanted to go to Embers afterwards. I did well, I think. I ordered the turkey burger and ate half of it, with only one side of the bun. I also had a small side salad but didn't eat much of it. I then had some 100 calorie cookies this afternoon. I need to add more fruit/veggies. Maybe for dinner I'll try to do that. I also drink hot tea and water throughout the day. Restaurants are hard too, too much temptation.

Anyway, de-lurker week was not too busy here! I had 3 posts. I am guessing maybe 5 people read this blog. Maybe I need to post more on other blogs to get more traffic here. Who knows. I guess it doesn't really matter too much. I just expected a few more comments. Oh well...I will keep on going and keep on trying and keep on writing... :)

What is the key to a healthy lifestyle???

I have been struggling with this question lately. What makes one person healthy and fit, and the next person unhealthy and overweight. Why do some people find it easy to maintain a healthy lifestyle (weight, fitness etc) and some people struggle with it?? I find it facinating that we all KNOW what it takes to be healthy. We all WANT to look good and feel good, right?? But why do we sabotage ourselves and make ourselves feel bad by not exercising and overeating??? I do not get it.....

I know what will happen if I eat too many Doritos. I will very BRIEFLY enjoy the taste of them, and the feeling that gives me. But then, minutes after I binge, I will feel horrible, I will feel gross, why do I do it???

12 lb by my 32nd!

Well, I was reading about Kelly's awesome weight loss (see The Woman Wonders on my blog roll) and decided to set a little goal for myself. This is my goal: to lose 12 lb by my 32nd birthday on April 8. That may not sound like a lot of weight but for someone who has only gained and lost the SAME 5 POUNDS for the LAST 3 YEARS, that is a big goal to shoot for. It would mean I would weigh less than I have for AGES and it would be a healthy weight for me. I am not overweight now, but I am chubby. I do not like the way I look in clothes. I am embarassed of my mid section. I actually am not all that proud of my body. I have terrible body image, and I have issues with binge eating and emotional eating. There, I am saying it out loud. I am the one person responsible for the way I look and the way I eat. I would appreciate hearing any weight loss stories or words of wisdom.

From what I hear, it is DE-LURKING week!

That means if you read my blog, please let me know! I get VERY FEW comments, and would loev to know if people are actually stopping by. I really really would LOVE a comment from you, so please de-lurk and post me a note! I will update my blog roll with any new blogs I hear about from my comments. And I am excited to see if anyone new pops by! :) Thanks!

Back into real life

Well, starting yesterday we got back into the school schedule for the kids. Both J and B had school and tomorrow the same. It feels strange getting up and getting everyone ready again after our 1.5 week break. Next week will be even busier with my school starting two nights a week. But routine is what we thrive on, and it's nice getting the kids into bed earlier and up earlier, getting myself ready for the day, and keeping a schedule. I'm doing well on my eating. No binges. I am trying to track my points and I do pretty well up til dinner time. I do not eat anything big after dinner. I do have some sugar free coffee drink or tea or maybe a couple hershey kisses, but it is important for me to not really had access to food after dinner time. If I chose to have a small dessert I must eat it right after dinner and be done with my eating for the night. If I start any other eating later in the night, it spells trouble for me. I am best off just ending my eating at a specific time, no ifs ands or buts. I just need to keep it going, just make it a habit. I know I'm eating over the recommended points for my size, but I'm eating WAY less than I was and I know that has to be better and slowly I can phase out the stuff I shouldn't be eating. Plus, I could do better at portion control, but I do not want to do this drastically because then it will backfire on me.

I plan to ride my bike for 15 min after I'm done here, and also write a bit in my other journal. I have been treating myself to a long hot shower in the evenings, and doing my full facial ritual each night. I think my skin is looking better.

I colored with the kids tonight in their coloring books. B is WAY into coloring, and is so cute, he gets all serious and really stays in all the lines really well, coloring tiny things different colors. He does a great job. J is doing well too, she is very interested in art and writing. She can almost write her name and knows many of her letters.

I can see that many of the neighbors have their lights up still, I guess it is still early, but it kind of cracks me up to see big lit up santas and reindeer now that we in in January. I find it even funnier when I see houses lit up well into February, which we have many around here. Yes, it does get cold and I can understand not wanting to take down the lights just yet, but do they have to be ON??? :)

My decorations are down, except our 3 new nutcrackers ( the kids would not part with them just yet, they love them!) and my mantle is still decorated with pointsetta's and some candles. But nothing Christmassy is left, and I feel great about it. I love to set it up but I'm fine with it being over each year.

Now we have B's birthday to plan. 6 years old. Wow! We have already started the guest list and I must get invites out in the next week or 2. Trouble is, he wants to invite everyone. I mean EVERYONE he knows! He is such a people person and has so many friends. It is cute, but where do I draw the line??

Well, off to ride the bike, REALLY!

The Beginning........

What I did well today:

• I bought a journal, and actually wrote in it! The old fashioned way with real paper and pen!
• I did not overeat!
• I did ride the stationary bike for 15 minutes! (starting out slow as to not burn out)
• I bought 2 cute scarf type things (not even sure how to wear them) on clearance that I would never typically buy myself! I think they are to be worn as a belt, or in hair like a head band, or around neck.... One is black with some sequins and one is a peach color with cool beads on the ends. They were $2.48 each at 75% off!
• I did not snack after dinner.
• I played a game with the kids, and it was even educational!
• I did not lose my temper.
• I did not fight with my husband, even once, today!
• I made a nice meal for dinner!
• I just pet my dog :) (thanks for the comment, you know who you are!) :)

Things I could improve on:

• I thought about food a lot, I'm really trying to get over this obsession but having trouble. Been reading the Dr. Phil book, but not sure it's sinking in....

I feel so happy when I have a good day. I feel proud of myself. I am not sure what makes me (or others out there) sabatage ourselves and be bad when we know we feel so much better when we are good (most of this pertains to food and working out, but can also relate to everything else in our lives). I wonder what makes humans do things that make them upset. We sure are a complicated creature! :)

Good night!

New Year. New Me. Lifestyle Makeover 2006!

Jan 1, 2006. Wow, can't believe that it is 2006! I will be turning 32 this year. Young by many standards but still I am getting older. I truly am a woman now, well into my 30's and no turning back. I am not a kid anymore, and I need to start treating myself like the person I want to be. I have to give to myself what I give to others. I deserve to be a happy, strong, confident woman. There are several areas of my life that I want to improve upon. There are also many things that I love about my life. This year, 2006, I would like to:

• Get in better shape by exercising more regularly. I would like to aim for using the stationary bike 3 times a week, and by summer be able to walk the 3 mile loop 3-4 times a week.
• Eat a more balance diet including more fruit, vegetables, and less junk food (cut WAY back on chips and chocolate/dessert foods)
• Eat smaller portions, using weight watcher points as a guide
• Do things for my well being, like getting a pedicure, buying something for myself, spending a day alone or with friends, drinking tea to relax etc etc...
• Spend more quality time with my children each day. Do something of their choosing each day.
• Treat my husband like the best friend that he is. Treat him with kindness, respect, and dignity, even when he doesn't deserve it! :)
• Pet my dog each day (she sometimes gets ignored in our busy lives!)
• Call my grandma's more often
• Love myself

I know many of these sound very generic and it is hard to really change something without specifics. I hope to make small changes amount to bigger ones. I hope to find the strength within myself to dream big, to do what I set out to do, and to make these changes in my life for good so that I don't have to live with any regrets as each year passes. I will not live another year unhappy with parts of my life. I will start out this year loving myself and being the woman I was put on this earth to be.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!