Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Taking Control

I decided I really want to take control of my life. Not pretend to be in control, but actually "feel" in control, and like myself and blah blah blah. You know how it goes. First and foremost, I need to like myself. I will never be a better person, mother, wife, unless I truly am comfortable with myself and really truly love myself. In order to do that, I need to work on some things. I need to take more time for myself. I need to exercise more and eat better. I need to read a good book, or knit, or go out with friends. I need to get down and play with my children daily. I am not planning to make all these changes at once. I am taking baby steps. I have tried doing things all out, and it backfires. I am starting with exercising, at least a few times a week. And not a lot of time, but 15 - 30 min daily. On the stationary bike, or sit up video, or arm weights. Something small, and work up to more. The weather is getting too cold for me to walk outside (I'm a baby like that) but I can do things in my own home. I just have to try. Also, I am eating better, for good this time. No more of the eating good for one week, then go downhill the next. I will eat approximately 20 points a day. Period. I will keep track of what I eat and will not eat anything if it is not worth eating. I will be accountable for what goes in my body and I will be healthy for me. Not to weight a certain weight. Not to wear a certain size. But so I can be healthy for me and my kids and so I can live longer. And feel better.

I will spend quality time with my children each day. I did this today and it felt so great. I will ask them what they want to play and just play with them and nothing else every day for a short time.

I will make these changes and make them for ME!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Wednesday can't come fast enough....

I am so dreading the next few days, which is sad because today is Friday and I "should" be looking forward to a nice weekend with my family. But, I have so much to do for my classes. I have a speech Monday morning. I still have to finish writing it, practice, and get my visual aids prepared. I then have a test from he*l on Tuesday for Anatomy. It is seriously going to be a very hard test, and when you add on that my teacher is terrible, it means I have to teach a ton of material to myself. That is a lot more work than just reviewing the material after it's been taught to you by a good teacher. So, my plan is to study for that at least 1-2 hr a day on Sat, Sun, and Monday. I also plan to finish up my speech on Sat and practice Sunday. After Tuesday, I am on a break from school for a week. There are no classes next Thurs so we may go see Dh's family. I am so looking forward to a break!

Have a great weekend.

Monday, October 10, 2005

down and out

Just feeling a bit down. Dh had to leave for the week this morning. That is the start of a bad week for sure. I also am so stressed and busy with school. I have a lab quiz tomorrow, online class test to take by Fri, speech on monday, Anatomy test Tuesday. I just feel overwhelmed. And the kids take so much of my time that I am unable to study during the day so I end up staying up too late and not getting enough sleep. I am tired right now and it is only monday. I still have to study for all these tests plus write a speech and practice it. I just feel like there it no end. How will I ever handle nursing school? I am guessing it is harder than what I am taking now, I KNOW it is harder than what I am taking now. I feel like I"ll be an even worse mother then than I am now. Is it worth it??? How do I get the balance and be happy in my stressful life?? I feel just unmotivated and tired. I am short with the kids, and they are getting the brunt of my crabbiness. I have never had to go on any type of meds before but sometimes I think they might help me. I am not to that point yet but it's crossed my mind. I don't think I'm depressed, but I think I could become that way. I also am feeling horrible about myself, my eating habits have been horrible lately and I don't know how to get out of the bad rut. I don't know how to stop emotional eating. I do it out of stress, lonliness, stress, boredom, stress, did I mention stress?? So, I get something to eat and then eat and eat until I am so full. I haven't gained much weight really (how I'm not sure) but I feel horrible. I'm sure it makes me feel even worse and crabbier. I did something that DH will probably be mad at, I joined an online site called ediets.com. It gives you menus and recipes for the week, and shopping lists. Probably a stupid investment. It is $2.99 a week and I'm committed to 3 months. I did it , then I felt guilt. It will be a little over $30 and so it isn't a big cost but still we don't have extra money and now I'm going to have to explain it to him. The site had a lot of positive testimonials but now that I signed up I don't know if it will do much for me. A lot of the meals were not what I'd choose and you have to go in and change them, which takes time (something I don't have) and it isn't anything that great that I couldn't have done myself. I felt so angry for doing it, I thought it would be a good idea, now I feel like I'm just throwing money away and signing up for a program that will take even more time of my day and force me on the computer more than I already am for school, blogging, email etc. I just let me kids have banana bread for lunch because I have no motivation to cook for them. They got crumbs all over the floor and I just can't get ahead. They are trying to sweep right now, bless their hearts! They really are good kids, I want to be a good mom.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The "little" man in my life

My son B is like a best buddy to me. He always makes me laugh, and we talk about everything. My favorite time with him is bedtime, after we read 2 chapters from his book we just lay there and talk about school, friends, and anything else. He seems to be most talkative at this time of day (when he should be the most tired!). I get more information out of him at bedtime than any other time of the day. He has the best laugh in the world. It is such a wonderful sound to hear him laugh at his sister, or at a funny book. He also has the best singing voice. He makes up songs and has such a nice voice. When he is gone at school all day I just can't wait to see him when he gets home. To see him so happy in his life makes me so happy. I hope that he always feels this happy and secure. We all know as kids get older, things get harder. I wish I could bottle up how he feels right now and give it to him later. My wish for him is to be himself, laugh, and be the best he can be. I love you B!!!

Monday, October 03, 2005

The Terrible Three's

My daughter has always been a challenging child. From day one. Her first night in this world was spent crying.... the whole night. I knew it wasn't me, it is just her. She is a very intelligent, demanding, outspoken child. She doesn't cry all day anymore, just whines and bosses me around a lot. I sometimes don't know how to handle her. I try to take it all in stride. I know all children are difficult at times. I know all kids go through bad and good phases. But sometimes in the heat of the moment, when we are having a really hard day together, I get frustrated. I know that she likes to test her limits of how much control she can have. It is important for me to show her that I am the boss. It is like a power struggle on who is really the mom! Today was just one of those days. She was being very insistent, whiney, and plain bossy to me all day. I look at her cute little face and can't believe how she can act sometimes. Thank goodness she is so cute!