Tomorrow I enter the working mom world

Tomorrow I will be at WORK, can you believe it. It won't be a huge change as I've been a student forever and had to carve out time for that. This way I will go to work and not have homework when I get home! YAY! I have orientation for the first few days and one day of shadowing and then this coming weekend I will be working as an intern with my preceptor (nurse mentor/teacher). I am hoping that she is nice. I would think most preceptors would be, but that can make or break the whole experience. I am excited to do this, I know I will learn so much and be ahead of things starting next year in school. It will help me greatly in getting a great job after graduation. Our instructor told us that pretty much 100% of people who intern get a job before graduation. That was good to hear. Even if there are a ton of nursing jobs out there, any edge to get the job I want will help. I also ran into a nurse friend at a restaurant last night and she said she would precept me spring semester (as a 2nd year student we have an opportunity to do a preceptorship for a few weeks rather than clinicals if we find a nurse who will take us and we have the other qualifications). I am excited she said she would do it, since I get along with her, she has been a nurse for a long time and I think would be a great teacher, and she works in ICU = great experience to get before graduation. I will get to do a ton of things in ICU and unless I find another area I really want to do my preceptorship in, I will most likely do it with her. I do know some other nurses I could ask and may see what other options are out there but it is nice to have that in the back of my mind.

I am feeling like I am coming down with something so I'm going to put J to be (B is at baseball practice) and take a nice bath before bed.

Not another diet post

I won't make this about a diet or losing weight. Someone had posted a comment about getting an update, and well as you know I was all discouraged because throughout the school year I ended up gaining back the weight I had lost over last summer. It amounted to about 8-10 lb. From my very lowest last summer to what I was a couple weeks ago about 10 lb but I had a very hard time staying at my very lowest weight. Anyway, of course with the end of school and the start of nice weather I am again optimistic about fitting in my small clothes that I got last summer! The never ending roller coaster of my life. :) I am not upset. I am not mad. It is just how it is. I get stressed and I eat more. I don't exercise like I should and when it is cold and snowy and below zero degrees I do not walk outside. It's the facts. I wish I could say I'd never do it again (the roller coaster-ing) but I can't promise anything. I can only try my best. I am walking at least every other day, if not more. I am even JOGGING half of my 3 miles. Yes, me, jogging. I don't job. I hate it. I can't do it. At least that is what I told myself. But I did it, am doing it. I eat right. I don't binge eat hardly ever anymore. I limit sweets and try to drink a lot. I am doing my best and hopefully I can continue.

Dance vs. Gymnastics

J is almost 5. Her brother is active in wrestling, baseball (previously soccer), and will play football in the fall. We are always going to his activities and cheering him on. J has had her share of activities, but not too many. She is in soccer now once a week, and has done some community ed gymnastics classes that I haven't been overly fond of. So, I feel that it is time to sign her up for a real sport/activity. I feel like she doesn't get much out of the community ed classes, the teachers are basically high school kids who can't control the little kids. They do the same thing every time and it seems a little boring. She loves going, don't get me wrong, but I want her to get something out of it, and I think at this age she really could get something out of a class. So, I'm debating dance vs. gymnastics. I think if I asked her she would say both, and probably if she had to choose would have a hard time. Every part of me wants her to say gymnastics. I am so not a dance proponent, especially little girls in those crazy outfits, with the curlers and the makeup. Sure, I let my girl dress up and she has her fair share of lip gloss but I just would prefer she do gymnastics. I never did either as a kid (my parents weren't big fans of dance either) and I so want her to have that option. I think she would be really good at gymnastics. She is small and strong, and if she takes after her dad's side (which both kids seem to when it comes to growth) she will probably stay on the petite side. However, I did get a flyer about a dance studio in town which seems to have decent prices. She can take ballet and tap once a week. I'm thinking any gymnastics club around here will cost an arm and a leg to join and plus we don't have one in town. Convenience means a lot when you are as busy as we are! How did you decide?

Thankful

Did you know studies have shown that it is nearly impossible to be stressed and thankful at the same time? It's true. I have been focusing on being thankful for everything I have in my life. To cherish the little things. Be in the moment.

I am thankful for my 6:30 wakeup by J running in my room

I am thankful for my bedtime talks with B

I am thankful for my husband's hard work financially supporting our family, my school, the kids activities, and everything else that costs SO MUCH MONEY

I am thankful for the sun shining

I am thankful for my health, my family's health, my friend's health. So many do not have their health and so many take it for granted. It could be gone in an instant

I am thankful for the food that we have each meal

I am thankful for my beautiful home

I am thankful for our 2 cars that get us where we need to go

I am thankful for teachers to are second mothers to my kids

I want to wake up each day and feel thanks. Less than 1% of the world lives like I do. We have more food than we need each day, we have a home with a bedroom for each child. We have 2 cars. We have more clothes than we need. The kids have toys surrounding them. The majority of the world does not live this way. Children die every day from starvation and sickness. They do not get immunizations to protect them from deadly illnesses. They do not have a toy. They maybe get one meal a day, if that. Our society always wants more, needs more, buys more. We live in our little bubble and I hope that someday there will be enough food and toys for every child.

Are all self tanners created equal?

I have been known to be pretty tan in the summer. I have a darker complexion naturally so I am actually tan year round. But in the summer I get really tan. However, this summer I am determined to be better about using sunscreen on my entire body. I need to start protecting my skin, especially after my mole scare a few weeks back. I know I'm not at high risk for skin cancer, but it can happen and does happen a lot. It typically hits young people, and is a very unforgiving kind of cancer to get. So, in order to protect my skin, the only skin I have, I am going to use sunscreen. In the past I have been good about using it on my face, shoulders, chest, etc. Anything that is prone to burning. But usually not on my legs at all, or my arms. So, in order to keep a tan appearance I invested in some self tanner. I have used some in the past but not regularly once I get the natural sun tan. I have been using it this week, and seems to be working. They have come a long way from the orange dye type lotions. I am using a cheapy brand from Target, but what do you recommened? I have used Jergens and Neutrogena so far. I have also used Mary Kay in the past. Never used the expensive department store brands and not sure I want to spend that much money on lotion.

I got a few summer things for myself today. A pair of shorts and capris, 2 pairs of flip flops, 2 t-shirts. Nothing too exciting, just basics that I will use to exercise and go to the beach. I don't dress up in the summer. I like to wear sporty type outfits that I can go for a long walk in or take a bike ride in. I also like stuff I can wear over swim suits. I got a couple cotton knit dresses to wear over my swim suits also a few weeks ago. Those are always comfy.

DH is gone for a couple days so I'm home alone with the kids, it is dreary and cold today and J isn't feeling well so we may skip soccer tonight. She says her throat hurts. I have no homework (yay) so not sure what I'll do after kids are asleep. Don't even have a book to read. Not even sure what is on TV Tues nights. Maybe I'll organize scrapbook stuff, or try to find something on TV. I only watch TV Thur nights (Grey's Anatomy, Survivor, ER).

Better make dinner for the kiddos and get a glass of wine for me!

Relief!

I am done! YAY! I got a 94 on my last final, for a final grade of an A. I am really relieved about that. As much as you hear grades don't matter, I still want to get A's. This was supposedly the hardest semester so I am happy with the outcome. I have to say my first year of nursing school was unlike anything I Have ever done. It taught me so many thing about myself and about nursing. I am such a different person now. I know so much more. In some weird way I look forward to next year and finishing up my education (at least this part of it!) Some of us went out after class for a few drinks and then I came home and immediately checked my grade. I could miss 16 to still keep my A so I was pretty sure I did that, but I was still eager to see. I always leave tests not really sure how I did. I never have a good idea of what I got. I was really happy.

So, now on to summer and work and play and kid time and family time and all that jazz. I don't have to study for 3 months!!! Even if I'm working, I will have much more free time. No worrying about tests and papers and presentations. I hope to enjoy the moments of summer this year before they are gone.

10.25

My son ran the mile in 10.25 minutes yesterday. I'm almost positive that is faster than I could run a mile. He is 7 and about 4 feet tall. I have to say I'm proud of my little guy. I can't believe he ran a whole mile and did so well. He is my hero!

Garage sale season is here. Today I spent the whole day outside down the street helping my neighbor run the garage sale. We had 4 families in this sale, along with about 4 others in the neighborhood. Driving around, there are sale signs all over the city. Once May hits, the garage sales start up and the die hards start circling the expected sales around 7am (we didn't open until 9!) Pretty funny. The weather cooperated, it was in the 80's all day. Hot, even, if you can believe that. I was sweating!

Busy studying for my last final. I got 97% on my final last monday! Best score yet.

Went to the zoo with B's class Tuesday. Going to the farm with J's class monday.

Gotta go!

What your swimsuit says about you

I was thinking lately about summer, the beach, and of course swimming suits. I was at Target today and bought the kids some sunscreen, since I read you were supposed to replace it each year. I am on a big sunscreen kick this year as I got a mole removed that had some atypical cells. I am even going to use sunscreen on my legs this year (and I never do) since that is where I found the suspicious mole. Anyway, I got to thinking about the vast array of swimwear you see at the beach. I, like many women, am a little uncomfortable in a swimsuit. I am not embarassed, but I tend to like to hide the areas I don't like and show off the ones I do. I got 2 suits I like fairly well last year. Both are 2 piece BUT there is no stomach showing. One is really sporty, black and hot pink, tank style top and skirt bottom. Good for swimming with kids, and active water sports (I have been known to wakeboard). The other is more of a "cute" suit, orange and pink and white with low cut top and just more feminine looking. It shows off the cleavage a little better and the legs a little better.

I see a lot of people who are wearing small bikinis at the beach, and I sometimes wonder why they are wearing bikinis. I guess that means they are more confident than I am, more comfortable in their own body. Granted, some people look great in a bikini, but it really takes a pretty perfect body to pull one off. I am a little too saggy in places and a little too "chubby" in other places to feel I can pull one off. My husband wants me to wear a bikini but I won't do it, not in public. Maybe I wish I had the confidence to try it, just once, regardless of how I look or think I look.

What is your swimsuit style and what does it say about you???

The end is in sight

I have one more presentation and 2 finals and then I will no longer be a first year nursing student. I had my case study presentation today. A 25 min solo presentation on a client we had over clinicals. It was probably the longest presentation I have ever given by myself. It went fine. We also took the HESI test, which tests your nursing knowledge to this point. It is supposed to be an indicator of how you will do on the NCLEX next year. I did well, so I was happy to know I learned something this year. I was in school from 8am - 4:30pm and the weather was beautiful so it wasn't a good day to have school. I also had my instructor evaluation, in which she said I am doing well and that I will be in good shape going into 2nd/final year. Tomorrow we have a group presentation on complementary therapy. Our group is doing aromatherapy. Kinda boring but it will be over soon. We have to sit through 10 groups doing presentations so it will be a long, boring day. Then class is over except the 2 finals. I am excited and amazed it went so fast. Next year sounds like it will be fun. We get to do a lot more nursing and take on many more patients. There is also an opportunity to do a preceptorship so I am hoping to get one of those. Anything to get experience and help me get a job later. This time next year I will be looking for a job. Can't believe it.

B is a little under the weather today. He was up with a fever last night, but can't tell me what hurts. Just that he is tired and weak. Guess it isn't too serious as he is eating ice cream. He just seems tired and out of it.

The plan for the week isn't too exciting. I am hoping to work around the house, get garage sale stuff marked and packed up, study, and spend time with my family who I have been neglecting lately. I make time every day to spend time with the kids but it never seems to be enough. The days go by so fast and bedtime comes so quickly. With wrestling practice, baseball, soccer, preschool, 1st grade, my school, there just is never enough time. I know they know they are loved and that is the most important thing. I do little things like surprise B at lunchtime by showing up, taking J to the park while B is in school, and play games with them. I hope they always remember the little things.

I'm off to bathe kids and have a nice mixed drink to relax :)

Older and Wiser?

I am officially 33. My birthday happened to fall on Easter this year. I can remember a few years in the past in which my birthday has been on Easter. Not that it really changes much! I had a nice day. We went out the night before to a local family pizza place. Nothing fancy but I wanted to go out with the kids and it is a good place that everyone likes. Sunday we went and picked up my grandma and drove to my parents house and had a nice late lunch and cake. It was pretty laid back. I then dropped DH and B back at the house and J (who was sleeping) and I drove grandma home. It is nice to visit with her. She is losing her memory and repeats things a lot but she is doing well physically and seems to be happy. I worry about her, but she always claims to be fine. She has a man "friend" who she seems to see daily for dinner, but I don't think she does much as far as keeping busy with anything else.

I got a great gift, a camcorder that records directly onto DVD's, which I've wanted for so long. It also takes still pictures. I am so excited about this. I rarely ask or let DH buy me anything but this year we got a good tax return and bonus so I did hint around about it. I also got money from the in laws and my parents which will go towards my gift. I know I will use it a lot. I haven't been taping the kids much on our old recorder because it really was junk. It would eat the tapes and I didn't want to chance trying to record something then lose it. I was just taking still pictures. Now I will be able to record so much more and I will use it all the time. And the memories will be SO worth the money.

Easter itself was good. We went to good friday service and Easter morning service. The kids got to search the house for eggs in the morning. Unfortunately the weather was too cold to hide them outside. I don't recall ever hiding the eggs outside, which is too bad. April is really not a good month here. We usually get a really nice warm day and everyone thinks spring is here, and then we get snow (we have snow on the ground right now). And sometimes we get a lot of snow in April. Really, spring doesn't happen in MN. We go right from winter to mild winter to milder winter to summer. At least we get 2-3 months of sun/warm in summer. But other than that we get cold and snow!

I have my last clinical this weekend. Again I am dreading tomorrow night. But I can do it, one more for the year. I can do it. I will be exhausted come monday but the end of my first year is in sight. I have about 2 more weeks of actual class and then 2 finals in May. Then I am half way done with nursing school. I have been putting a lot of thought into future educational plans. I went into nursing school with thoughts of eventually getting a masters in midwifery. After this year, I have to say that maybe I don't want to put all my focus into OB/birth. I am now leaning more towards Nurse Practitioner. I would start working part time after graduating next year and then I would go to school and get my bachelors, and then on to masters as a NP. That way I can work with a broader range of patients. Not actually delivering babies (which I may change my mind on this later as it is still a passion of mine) but working with pregnant moms, children, babies, elderly, young adult. I do think I will eventually get a masters in something I just have to figure it out and find a job that will help pay for it. I know my career will be in this field. I have a love for it like I never thought I could for a career. I may even go into teaching someday.

Tonight I want to watch Survivor and get lots of sleep to be ready for the weekend. I want to play with the kids since I won't see them much Fri-Sun. I will post again early next week!

Snow

It snowed last night, and sad thing is that it is still sticking to the ground, meaning it is around freezing temps. Sad for April huh?? My wish is sun and above 50 degrees for Easter/birthday.

I have class tonight and then studying the rest of the week. I may take the kiddos swimming tomorrow morning.

Anyone have any good motivational books they recommend??? I want to read a few books in my 3 week break between school and work. I would love to find a great women's motivational book that helps someone find inner strength and the ability to be one's best. Any recommendations would be great. I am an avid fiction reader but can't seem to get into non-fiction books as much. I'd like to try.

Blog Roll

So, I FINALLY updated my blog roll (instead of studying like I should be tonight!)

Check it out and if you happen to read my blog and you have a blog yourself, PLEASE email me or leave me a comment so I can add you to my blog list and start reading your blog. I would love to add more blogs, and if you have any interesting ones I might like drop me a line. God knows I need to spend more time reading blogs right!? It is a good stress reliever and fun to read about others lives!

Thanks! I'm off to study, really!

another clinical weekend done

I had my 2nd to last clinical this past weekend! one left, then one more weekend doing presentations at school and then no more weekend classes. We are done with finals early May so it is coming up quickly. I can't believe I am almost done with my first year of nursing school. Only one year to go and I'll be an RN. Wow.

Clinicals went great. Like I've said, I have the hardest/most challenging instructor. She really makes you be on top of things. She checks what you are doing, checks your documentation, talks to the RN you are working with, probably talks with the patients. She asks questions and if you ask her a question she comes back to you with a question and never answers your questions. I have heard her really crack down on some people. She has almost made some people cry. For some reason she doesn't seem to do that to me, yet... I know it may be coming. She seems to be ok with me so far. Anyway, had a great patient, my first younger male. He was a little younger than my husband so it was a different dynamic. It was really interesting because he has a history similar to one of my brothers who has had past medical issues so I felt I really had something to offer him and it really was a good experience. As far as nursing stuff, I got to do another subQ injection in the abdomen. Those really aren't scary for me anymore because the needle is very short/thin and patients never seem to be hurt when I give them. I have yet to do a long/big IM injection though. I also got to pull out a NG tube (nasogastric - from nose to stomach) which can be really uncomfortable for the patient. You have to pull really fast and I think I did ok. It still was kind of traumatic for the patient. But it was good I got to do that.

The rest of the weekend I was either sleeping or up late working on paperwork. I have one weekend of hellish sleeping left. I always stay up late Fri night doing my paperwork and then I can't sleep because I am too nervous or excited or scared my alarm won't go off. For some reason I'm able to sleep much better Sat night. I am still making up for lost sleep. I have a test next monday so I will be busy studying for that. I also have 2 presentations to start and finish up in the next couple weeks.

My husband is out of town again Mon-Thur. The kids and I went to a big play area/indoor playground yesterday with a couple of my childhood friends and their kids. The loved it. I had a babysitter come last night since I had school. My parents will take the kids tomorrow while I have class. Both kids are on spring break and of course it is rainy and cold. I haven't seen the sun for about a week. How depressing. Today we are making some easter eggs and I have been hiding things around the house and they have been secret agents trying to find stuff. Simple but they love it. I also organized all of J's hair-do stuff, it was in about 3 different drawers and all mixed up. I have also been slowly going thru stuff for the garage sale I'm going to have with some neighbors in May. I come up with about 1-2 bags a week. I want to get the house cleaned out by summer. I will donate some to the preschool garage sale and church garages sales as well.

Other plans this week are wrestling practice tonight and Thurday, various church services (I think we'll try to go Thur night and Fri afternoon for good friday and of course Easter Sun). This year the kids have really been interested in the holy week. They learn about it at church school, and J's preschool is a christian preschool so they did a really fun storytelling of the week using plastic eggs with symbols inside of them. I think they are starting to understand what easter is really about. Of course, they still love the eggs and candy and the bunny and all that but they know about palm sunday, the last supper, and how Jesus rose again. It is interesting for me to see them learn this, I never was brought up with religion so this is all new for me. My parents never went to church or took us to church or even talked about religion with us. I really have never asked them why. I don't really bring it up, they have never been church going people or been interested in why we go so for some reason it is kind of a topic not talked about. One reason I bring my kids is not only for the religion aspect but for the social part of it. I see the older kids/teens and they seem to have a group of people and activities to do all the time. They go on trips, have bonfires, meet once a week, etc. When I was in junior and senior high I always kind of wished I had that church family some of my friends seemed to have. I think it is a safe place for them to hang out and find friends there. Not that all kids that go to church are good kids but at least most of the activites are supervised and safe. I want my kids to have that place where they belong. Maybe that is the wrong reason so be involved in church but that is one of mine.

My birthday is also on Easter so it will be nice to spend it with my family and have the day off from school and everything else. I will be 33 years old.

I better go get our eggs off the stove and start the coloring process!!! Have a great holiday !

the spoiled kid generation

Does anyone else notice how spoiled kids are these days?? It is crazy, how kids seem to run the show. It is my worst nightmare to have a kid that thinks they are the center of everything! I think that my kids are just as spoiled in some regards as others. However, I do try really hard to not let them run things and tell me what to do. Is see it all the time, kids yelling at their parents, hitting their parents, bossing their parents around. And thing is, some parents totally give in to the kids or else ignore them without any consequences. I don't know what has changed since my generation of kids, but it sure is different these days. When I was a kid, I was afraid to even ask my parents for something. I would never ask for something in a store, and I never even requested what I wanted in a restaurant. There was no way my dad was going to let us get the happy meal, no way. I never even asked. He always ordered plain hamburgers, and maybe a large fry to share. I ate what he ordered. Now kids assume they will get the big kids meal with toy (that ends up in the garage sale bag), and sometimes they even think they should get dessert. I am avoiding fast food places, and trying to wean my kids from their happy meals! :) Luckily they haven't even asked lately, probably because they are so used to it that it isn't even a treat anymore. They have pretty much realized that they aren't going to get something when we go to the store. I am trying my best to raise kids that are respectful of adults. In B's class, there are so many kids who have no respect for the teacher or any authority. It is really sad. These kids obviously run the show at home and expect the same at school. Those parents need to teach those kids how to behave and give them real consequences for acting out. It is really sad and makes me scared of what things will be like when all these kids grow up and expect everyone to cater to them.

single parenting

After a long break from travelling, my husband is gone this week, all week. I am a single parent once again, like I used to be pretty much every other week in years past. I have been spoiled with him home so much lately. I miss him and I do not like this at all! I am on spring break this week with no one to enjoy it with! I also do not sleep well when he is gone so I'm tired. Also, J had a fever last night and so I'm not sure what is up with her. I was up with her a few times and she was in my bed so that makes for some less than ideal sleeping arrangements! She is staying home from school and laying around today. I am supposed to meet my group from school to work on our project tonight. My parents are taking the kids, so I'm kind of waiting to see how she feels. I took her to the minute clinic and she has "pink" ears. Not red like they are when infected but it could be the start of one. Her throat also hurts and she is stuffed up. So, it may be just a cold/virus and it may be another ear infection. She just finished antibiotics for her last one about 2 weeks ago. So I hesitate to start her up on another round unless necessary. I got the prescription filled but it is unused in the refrigerator right now. They gave her a stronger version of her last antibiotic and of course it would cause more side effects (diarrhea, stomach upset etc) so I really don't want to use it. Many ear infections clear up on their own if left so I may wait to see if the fever comes back or she gets considerably worse. What a pain her ears have been. She has had lifelong ear issues, but it has gotten better in recent years. She does still get a couple infections every winter though. I don't have much else planned. The weather is very dreary and gray, with some rain sprinkling down. It is still pretty chilly out, and even though spring is officially here, I'd have to say it doesn't feel very springy out today. I am cold in my house, all the time. I am sick of being cold. I want it to be so hot I am sweating and wearing tank tops every day. I want to sleep with just a sheet on. (we have a down comforter and 2 other blankets on our bed right now). I want to sit in the back yard and watch the kids run through the sprinkler. I just want to be warm again!!!!!

Tired!

Monday morning and I am dead tired. Of course I had a very busy weekend at clinical. I was out the door at 3:30 Friday to the hospital to get my patient information. I was there until about 6:30 then I stopped at B's wrestling banquet for 1 hr before going home to stay up working on my care plan and drug cards until 1:30 am. I had to get up at 5 am so I was not a happy camper. I worked all day Sat and then was up until 11pm Sat night working again on paperwork. It is much harder this semester because we have to write up a drug card for every drug our patients are on, and my patient this weekend was on 16 different drugs. It took over 2 hr to do those and more to do the actual care plan. The staying up late is the worst part, I am not good without my sleep. Anyway, except for being so tired I had a pretty good weekend. I got to practice lots of new things like changing out IV antibiotics, giving a lot of oral meds, and I got to give 2 insulin shots and 1 lovenox injection. Nice getting that first one out of the way. I am now on spring break and my husband is out of town for business. I plan to have some playdates here while he is gone and also spend lots of time with the kids. I want to take them to a movie, I've been promising that for a while. I hope to have a great week and get some studying done as well.

Life

Update:
We had a great time at the tournament this weekend. B had 1 win and 2 losses. I actually wasn't expecting any wins so I think he did great. The competition is unbelievable. We had 14 boys on the team go to state and I think 4 made it to Sunday. Only 1 boy placed and got 2nd. The rest got eliminated somewhere along the way. The best of the best were there and even the little kids are damn good. It is fun to watch, and it is exciting to say the least. We had dinner with the whole team Fri night at a great italian place. My in laws drove up from IA to see his first 2 matches so they went to dinner with us. The kids both sat at the big kids table and had a blast. They got to swim a little Fri and we tried to get them to bed early since we had to be up pretty early. Sat was wrestling until 1:00 then back to swim. All the boys just hung out together, swimming and running around the hotel halls playing tag. Many of the boys shaved their heads that night but B wouldn't do it. He loves his long hair. The coaches had a bet with a lot of the kids that if the cried if they lost they had to shave their head. We had quite a few criers! B got a little teary with his losses but no full blown crying. He takes losing pretty well. Sat night the team had a big pizza party and we then went to bed. The kids were beat!

Got home Sun and now are back to the old grind. I am getting ready for another clinical weekend, then I had spring break. I have to go sign the kids up for soccer tonight. The weather was in the 60's today which is VERY warm this time of year. We are getting another cold front soon so it won't last. But it was nice to not have to wear a jacket for at least one day. We still have snow on the ground and that was weird to have snow but to be that warm. J went to a friend's house and I got some grocery shopping done. I also got a few new shirts on clearance for myself. I am feeling much better about things and think that a positive attitude will help me out a lot. I take myself and life too seriously sometimes. I need to let go and be happy. I went for a walk yesterday and realized how walking really clears my mind, and that being cooped up all winter pretty much puts me in a depression every year. In the summer I feel great, I lose 10 lb, and I am happier. In the winter I gain back the 10 lb, and feel sluggish and tired. Maybe I have that seasonal disorder. Something to think about...

Clinical Weekend

I am done with my first clinical with my new instructor. She is the hardest one, and she expects a lot out of us. Good, but bad too. It went fine. I had a great patient and weekend. My only complaint is that I didn't get to perform as many skills as I would like. 2 students got to give Sub Q injections, so I'm jealous! I got to change the rate on an IV, and other than that nothing more than I've done before. Each semester we get to perform more skills as we learn them in school. First semester we basically were only able to do bed baths, elimination needs, bed changes, vital signs, meal cares, etc. Just easy stuff. Now we are qualified to do IV bag changes, IV piggy back meds, injections, tube feedings, catheter insertions, and probably more things but I can't remember right now. Anyway we have a lot more we can do which is exciting but scary too. I'm looking forward to doing more things with my patients. We are working on a med/surg oncology floor. Lots of pretty sick people. It is sad but it is rewarding to be able to help in some small way. The nice thing about being a student is just having one patient and being able to spoil them for the day. It is very hard to leave and not know what will happen to them. I guess I better get used to it. I have class tonight and Wed night then the weekend off. We are going to the state wrestling tournament, where B will wrestle and we will watch the rest of the team qualifiers as they wrestle. It will be pretty fun, and we will spend some time together as a family and also with the wrestling team. It is about 2 hr away, so not too far. The kids will enjoy the hotel and swimming and B gets to miss half a day of school. I just realized J will miss preschool that day as well. This is his first try at state, so we told him it is just for fun. There will be great wrestlers there so he most likely won't get too far, even though he is pretty good also. We know there will be kids who have had much more training and experience as him. He is in the 1st and 2nd grade 50 lb weight class so he will also have to wrestle kids older than him (he is 1st grade) and a year more experience is big at this age. It is for fun, and luckily he handles losing pretty well! :) I am off to make lunch for J before preschool, then her ride will be here and I'll have 2.5 hr to myself. I told myself no school work today, so I'm thinking of going shopping!

Better

I am feeling a little better. I think overall I am just at a point in life that I am feeling overwhelmed by all the things I have to keep up with. School, kids, husband, friends, family. I feel like I am 32 years old and I want to be at a place where I feel more of a calm. Maybe that day will come after I'm done with school. But that is over a year from now so I better get used to it. Funny, when I was staying at home not going to school, I wanted more. Now I have more, and I know I'm happier because of it. I know I was happy as a stay at home mom, but I can't imagine not having more (school) at this point. Probably because my kids are getting older. I don't know. I think all moms are just so different. But now I have to much. I don't have energy to give 100% to everything and the things that I do give my 100% to are my school and my kids. My friends and husband suffer. I wish I could do it all, but I am human. I forgot to add that giving to myself is dead last. Bad I know. I wish I could do better. I have tried. I want to try. But I never succeed. That is why after trying to create a healthy lifestyle over and over I still have yet to accomplish this. I wish I knew why, I wish I could solve this little life problem. I do exercise and I do try to eat right. Try is the key word. I find that I have this food problem and I'm not sure I can solve it myself. But I don't have money to find help. I also don't even know where to go. I need more support than I can give myself or that anyone in my life can give me. It is something that is a constant struggle and someday I hope to say I won the battle. I'm not at that point yet.

Anyway, I am feeling better. I got a 95% on my test last night. I have clinicals this weekend. We are getting more snow so I may be up very early driving in. The kids are doing fine. They are as wonderful as ever. I am even going to try to watch a movie with my husband tonight. Just the 2 of us in bed early. I hope it works out. Maybe I'll even have some wine. I am not going to open my books today. I am off to make dinner. Good night!

Venting post

Do you ever just feel so down and out that you just can't stand it? I can't go into any details but I am very sad about some trivial things. Things that have hurt me and that I have to let go. I need to move on. I am just feeling like I am on this ride and I just keep going around and around and I can't find a way to stop it or slow down. And people are going on and having fun and I'm stuck. I feel unappreciated, lonely, hurt. And this isn't anything that my husband has done. It is more friends I'm talking about. Supposedly best friends. And it isn't anything major but it is small things that mean a lot to me. It is really hard to explain but I just felt a need to write about my feelings. I sometimes feel like no one needs me at all. Besides my kids that is (who are the most important anyway). But like no one else in the whole world really cares. And that is a lonely feeling. I think I am a good person. I think that I give more than I receive. And I like giving but it is hard when you don't ever get to be on the receiving end. I am tired and I am sad. I am hurt and frustrated. I also have a test tonight so I am anxious. I even have lost my appetite (for me this is a miracle!) Too bad that won't last long. I am just feeling like I have a 100 lb weight on me and I can't break free. I hope this feeling turns around very soon.