24 days

It has been 24 days since I have done any type of emotional eating. That is a LONG time for me. Like maybe a record. And I have made a pact to myself that I am worth more, that I will not be tempted by the instant gratification of food and will instead focus on gratifying my WHOLE self and treating myself like I should. I thought of it because I am hungry right now. I am up late trying to study and I have not eaten since dinner at 5:30. So, I am very hungry. I try not to eat between dinner and bed because it is my difficult time and if I give in to something I will keep eating and eating. I allowed myself to eat a small handful of frosted mini wheats and I ate only that one handful, no more. I won't give it. I would absolutely love to start on the hershey kisses or the crackers or whatever else I could eat but I am not going to and I will feel better in the morning because of it. I have said it before, that food is a drug to me. I don't think some people realize the strong power of food on some people. It is my drug. I wish I could say that exercising was my drug, or reading, or doing something productive or good for me. But it's not. I am a food addict and trying to break this habit is the hardest thing I will ever do. It is hard to talk about to people I know in real life. I am not a heavy person so I never would get taken seriously. I have talked to a couple close friends but I don't have someone who really takes me seriously. Even my husband who knows my issues and lives with me doesn't really truly believe it's a problem. So, my internal struggle and achievements are mine and mine alone. I keep counting the days and looking forward. The weight I want to lose isn't falling off very quickly but I am doing things the right way. I am working in the right direction. The number on the scale is not the main goal of this. I need to change for other reasons more than 8 lb. I look at how bad I have wanted to lose 8-10 lb and really is that going to change my life? Not really. I'll just fit a little better into my smaller size jeans. I may feel a little better going to the beach. But overall, that small amount of weight isn't what really bothers me. I think it bothers me more that I can't control myself and it makes me feel shame. So, it isn't about losing weight. I just want to gain control of my life and feel good about myself.