Better

I am feeling a little better. I think overall I am just at a point in life that I am feeling overwhelmed by all the things I have to keep up with. School, kids, husband, friends, family. I feel like I am 32 years old and I want to be at a place where I feel more of a calm. Maybe that day will come after I'm done with school. But that is over a year from now so I better get used to it. Funny, when I was staying at home not going to school, I wanted more. Now I have more, and I know I'm happier because of it. I know I was happy as a stay at home mom, but I can't imagine not having more (school) at this point. Probably because my kids are getting older. I don't know. I think all moms are just so different. But now I have to much. I don't have energy to give 100% to everything and the things that I do give my 100% to are my school and my kids. My friends and husband suffer. I wish I could do it all, but I am human. I forgot to add that giving to myself is dead last. Bad I know. I wish I could do better. I have tried. I want to try. But I never succeed. That is why after trying to create a healthy lifestyle over and over I still have yet to accomplish this. I wish I knew why, I wish I could solve this little life problem. I do exercise and I do try to eat right. Try is the key word. I find that I have this food problem and I'm not sure I can solve it myself. But I don't have money to find help. I also don't even know where to go. I need more support than I can give myself or that anyone in my life can give me. It is something that is a constant struggle and someday I hope to say I won the battle. I'm not at that point yet.

Anyway, I am feeling better. I got a 95% on my test last night. I have clinicals this weekend. We are getting more snow so I may be up very early driving in. The kids are doing fine. They are as wonderful as ever. I am even going to try to watch a movie with my husband tonight. Just the 2 of us in bed early. I hope it works out. Maybe I'll even have some wine. I am not going to open my books today. I am off to make dinner. Good night!

Venting post

Do you ever just feel so down and out that you just can't stand it? I can't go into any details but I am very sad about some trivial things. Things that have hurt me and that I have to let go. I need to move on. I am just feeling like I am on this ride and I just keep going around and around and I can't find a way to stop it or slow down. And people are going on and having fun and I'm stuck. I feel unappreciated, lonely, hurt. And this isn't anything that my husband has done. It is more friends I'm talking about. Supposedly best friends. And it isn't anything major but it is small things that mean a lot to me. It is really hard to explain but I just felt a need to write about my feelings. I sometimes feel like no one needs me at all. Besides my kids that is (who are the most important anyway). But like no one else in the whole world really cares. And that is a lonely feeling. I think I am a good person. I think that I give more than I receive. And I like giving but it is hard when you don't ever get to be on the receiving end. I am tired and I am sad. I am hurt and frustrated. I also have a test tonight so I am anxious. I even have lost my appetite (for me this is a miracle!) Too bad that won't last long. I am just feeling like I have a 100 lb weight on me and I can't break free. I hope this feeling turns around very soon.

My Girl's Hair

Just had to post of pic of how long J's hair is getting. I am not sure what I will do with it. It usually isn't so curly (this was after taking out french braids), but it is getting very long. I trim it myself every few months but that is it. She has never had a haircut other than one trim at a salon and trims from me. It is pretty hard to take care of. She doesn't like to wear it down and it gets in her face a lot when she does wear it down so I usually french braid it every few days (it stays in a couple days once I get it in a braid). Washing it is getting harder too, and I like to dry it after so she doesn't have to go to bed with wet hair. So, it is somewhat time consuming but I'm not ready to cut it off. Not sure if I ever will be!! One thing I really wanted as a kid is nice long hair. My mom used to cut mine (very crooked I might add) and so I am maybe re-living the hair thing through my daughter!!!

I don't think it is a compliment

I am on the computer and J is sitting on my lap.

J: "mom, you look just like George Washington."

me: "what do you mean? He has white curly hair! You think I look like him?"

J: "oh yeah, Abraham Lincoln. That is who you look like!"

Thanks so much. She has been learning about presidents in preschool this past week. So I guess I look like Abrahm Lincoln. Yay me!

Got the Job

I was offered the internship position this morning. It is a med-surg unit of a small hospital about 20 minutes away. It is a 10 week PAID internship working under a preceptor, the hours are whatever her hours are and I won't find them out until sometime in May. I have some daycare issues to take care of obviously and won't have much time to figure them out. I am excited, nervous, scared, stressed, but also feel lucky to be given this opportunity. This will open doors to me that would not have been there if I didn't get this position (assuming I do well, and they want me as an RN after graduation). This also will help me become a better nurse. There were 500 applicants and I got one of 100 jobs. This is amazing being that I had absolutely NO medical experience and have been out of the workforce for over 4 years. I am not sure what made them even give me an interview let alone a job. I am very lucky. Even though I will miss the kids a ton, I know that this is a good thing. I know they will be ok. I know I will still spend as much time with them as I possibly can this summer. I will make this a special summer regardless. It is only 10 weeks. I can do this.

Delayed weigh in

I won't be weighing again til the 1st of March. I am too stressed and tired to weigh and not see a change. I am going to keep at it, and keep going on my good habits but I am really busy and want to wait to weigh. I guess I'm nervous I'll be disappointed if I don't get the number I want. And I so do not want it to be about the number. I have a HUGE performance test tomorrow at 8am and 1pm. I am very nervous and need to keep calm and confident in order to do well. Wish me luck and I'll update after my weekend classes.

24 days

It has been 24 days since I have done any type of emotional eating. That is a LONG time for me. Like maybe a record. And I have made a pact to myself that I am worth more, that I will not be tempted by the instant gratification of food and will instead focus on gratifying my WHOLE self and treating myself like I should. I thought of it because I am hungry right now. I am up late trying to study and I have not eaten since dinner at 5:30. So, I am very hungry. I try not to eat between dinner and bed because it is my difficult time and if I give in to something I will keep eating and eating. I allowed myself to eat a small handful of frosted mini wheats and I ate only that one handful, no more. I won't give it. I would absolutely love to start on the hershey kisses or the crackers or whatever else I could eat but I am not going to and I will feel better in the morning because of it. I have said it before, that food is a drug to me. I don't think some people realize the strong power of food on some people. It is my drug. I wish I could say that exercising was my drug, or reading, or doing something productive or good for me. But it's not. I am a food addict and trying to break this habit is the hardest thing I will ever do. It is hard to talk about to people I know in real life. I am not a heavy person so I never would get taken seriously. I have talked to a couple close friends but I don't have someone who really takes me seriously. Even my husband who knows my issues and lives with me doesn't really truly believe it's a problem. So, my internal struggle and achievements are mine and mine alone. I keep counting the days and looking forward. The weight I want to lose isn't falling off very quickly but I am doing things the right way. I am working in the right direction. The number on the scale is not the main goal of this. I need to change for other reasons more than 8 lb. I look at how bad I have wanted to lose 8-10 lb and really is that going to change my life? Not really. I'll just fit a little better into my smaller size jeans. I may feel a little better going to the beach. But overall, that small amount of weight isn't what really bothers me. I think it bothers me more that I can't control myself and it makes me feel shame. So, it isn't about losing weight. I just want to gain control of my life and feel good about myself.

To the most amazing kid....

Dear Bret, every year your birthday comes and I get all emotional about how old you are getting, how fast it is going, how much you have changed and how much you have changed me. This year was no different. I woke up and it was my first though. You have been with me for 7 years and I just feel so lucky. I wanted to make your day very special, and that was hard to do as it was the first time you have been at school all day on your actual birthday. I think you had a great day though. I dropped you off, and went straight to the store to get stuff to make you a cake. I ended up buying a cake and frosting/decorating it myself. I am not a very good cake decorator and will post a picture when I get it uploaded of my version of a star wars cake. I did my very best on those light sabers! I also bought donuts to bring to your class snack time. This was under your direct orders to bring donuts. You LOVE donuts. Since I thought snack time was at 10:30 like it was last time I went, I was late to your snack time. Oh, the guilt. You must have been waiting for me, but alas you were not upset and did not seem to be nervous at all that I would show up. Mrs. B said that you were saying I was going to come, and I did come even though it was 15 min late. I am glad that you know that I would not let you down. I hope you can count on me most of the time. Anyway, we handed out the pure sugar donuts and candy to the class which everyone seemed excited about. You told me after school that it was the best snack. I picked you up after school, and you opened your birthday card from Grandma. Lucky for you there was $60 in there. We headed to the store to pick out a gift. They didn't have a Lego set that looked good, so you headed for the Nerf section where you proceeded to pick out the biggest baddest Nerf gun there. You had your heart set on this thing so we spent half your money on the super duper mega blaster dart gun. Oh the joys you will have tormenting your sister with that one. The rest of your money will go into your savings account. And remember you are getting plenty of other gifts at your party on Saturday. We headed home from the store for a quick singing of "happy birthday" and blowing out candles before I had to head to school. It was with a heavy heart that I left for class, and even though I know you have a fun day I wanted to spend my evening with you. I got home in time to read you 2 chapters from A to Z mysteries and kiss you goodnight. You said you were going to miss 6, but I assured you that 6 wasn't a person and wouldn't feel sad. I told you that 7 will bring new things and that it is fun to get older. To tell you the truth the older you get, the more I learn about you and I love you even more. I can't wait to see what 7 brings, and I want you to know that you are loved beyond words. I look at you and love what you are and what you have brought to my life. Happy Birthday sweetheart!

-16 degrees

That was the temp this morning when we got up. The high for today is -2 degrees. It is depressing. You can't do anything, go anywhere without totally freezing. I had school all weekend in the frigid temps. My car did not want to start but eventually did. I was miserable getting up and starting the car early in the morning. I have a very busy week. I have so much to do for school. Also, B's birthday party is on Saturday. We are pretty much ready except we have to order a cake and buy the drinks. I have the goody bag stuff. I also have to bring in a treat for his class on Wed (his real birthday). Hard to believe my first baby is going to be 7. J has school today and I have school tonight. I would love to stay inside and not go anywhere but life goes on, even when you can't be outside more than 1 minute before getting frostbite!