Feelin' Blue.....

Not sure what is up with me. I am not feeling myself lately. Since Thanksgiving time at least. I am feeling lazy, drowsy, unmotivated, sluggish, fat. I know it is partially due to stress of finals. I have been staying up late every night and will have to for another week. I have one final tomorrow night and one the next week. However, next weekend we are supposed to go to DH's work party, 4 hr away, overnight. So, that means no studying on Sat or Sunday most likely until we get home later Sunday. I will lose out on a lot of study time. Which means I have to do all my studying this week. During the week. And I am burned out. I should be studying now. I am tired. All the weight I lost this summer/fall has returned. I am now back to about 130 lb. I am eating horrible. I have no motivation to cook or go to the grocery store. I just eat whatever is around and handy. Terrible. I am not eating fruits or veggies much at all. I am eating way to much processed food. It is making me feel horrible. But why do I do it to myself??? I have no idea. I just know that I am only finishing my first of 4 semesters of school. I sometimes ask myself at times like this how I will get thru it. How I will handle the stress. I can't be everythings for everyone all the time. I want to be a good student, and a good mother, and a good wife, and a good daughter and friend. I want a clean house and healthy meals on the table for dinner. I want my bed to be made every day. I want to keep up with my hobbies. I want to exercise (what's that???). I work with patients every time I'm in the hospital who are at the end of their lives and I know that my life is going way to fast. I want to make the best of it, and be happy, and feel in control. I don't want regrets. I want to be happy about the mark I've made in my life and the things I've accomplished. I want to make a difference. I want to put myself first but I always put myself last. Dead last. I never ask for help. I never hire a babysitter because it cost too much and J will cry (she cries with separation now, at 4 1/2, after never having a problem ever with it...). I don't know if I need medical help. I think that I am just feeling down and it will most likely pass. I just don't know how to feel fullfilled in life when I feel like I am pulled a million different directions. I am just babbling at this point and I am going to get back to my books but it feels good to get it out. Here's to a better tomorrow.