Lifelong habits are hard to break

Well, I am putting it in writing, maybe that will help me hold myself more accountable. I have lost and gained the same 7-8 lb for 3 years now. I have had bad eating habits for most of my life. Luckily I must have good genes because I don't tend to gain more than I do. The way I eat sometimes I am surprised I don't weigh 300 lb. I don't always eat bad. I tend to eat pretty well MOST of the time, then I tend to binge every so often. And when I'm on a bad day I tend to have more bad days, it is a cycle that I have to pull myself out of and force myself to lose the same pounds I ended up gaining. I have seriously gained and lost these SAME darn pounds countless times.

Between kids, I never really lost the weight. I wasn't overweight but I was bigger, for me at least. Before kids at all I was probably 125 lb. After B was born I never got below 135. Probably stayed between 135-140. After J was born I bought the Weight Watchers at home kit. It was $99 I remember and I hated spending that kind of money to lose weight when I really could do it myself. I went from 140 to 130 pretty quickly and even got down to 125 a few times. I can get down to 125, then I get lazy, or travel, or go out to eat, then I get back into the bad cycle again. I have been in a bad cycle this past week. I am back up to 131 lb this morning. I am not a very tall person probably 5'3" or 5'4". I know that even at 135-140 I am not overweight. I am probably at a fine weight, but I hate the way I eat and how I feel when I do this. I hate being unhealthy. I hate that I know that if I ate healthy all the time, as a lifestyle, I would probably look so much better, feel so much better than I do now. I feel like I sabotage myself and I truly do NOT know why!! I don't know why I eat, or why I binge. Maybe I need to find out why.

I can remember being a young kid, sneaking food into my room and eating a large quantity of forbidden foods. My parents didn't let us eat junk food much and I think I knew that. I don't know if my problems now stem from that.

I just know that I want to be happy about my body and what I eat. I really don't care about the number on the scale, I just don't want that number to go up and down so much. I just don't know where to start.