Sibling Love

My kids truly love each other. They have a bond that I love watching grow and change as they get older. They seem to care more about the other one than themselves at times. Weird as that is for a 6 and almost 4 year old it is true. My son B, definately shows that he really loves his sister. Tonight at soccer she was trying to practice with the team and B wanted her to be able to go first and he wanted to play things again so she could try to successfully do them. It was so sweet that he was putting her first. He wanted her to have her turn before him, which is pretty selfless for a 6 year old. She adores her brother as well. As you can see in this picture, they are wearing matching shirts. This is because she just HAD to have an army shirt like her brother (the numbers and letters on the shirt are camoflauge). Every time she sees something with an army theme (there are a lot of clothes out there lately with that motif), she will say "B would like that!". They like to buy things for each other and point out what the other would like if I am shopping with one of them alone. They love to play together and miss each other when they are apart. I can only wish for them that they will always be so close. I want them to be best friends. I have 2 brothers but I do not have the relationship with them that I wish I did. We did not grow up as great friends. We had more of a love/hate relationship, fighting and arguing a lot. Don't get me wrong, my kids argue and fight a lot too. But I can see more than anything, that they have a great love for each other. I don't know what I can do as a mother to keep their relationship strong, but I will do my best. I know that nature will probably determine their destiny as friends, but I can pray that they will always love each other as much as they do now.

How Other People Parent

I know it should not affect me how others parent their children. It really is none of my business and I shouldn't let it get to me. However, there is a situation on B's soccer team that really drives me nuts. Maybe I'm crazy but it does. There is this one player, N, who refuses to play. Flat out will not go out there and play at all. They have had 2 practices and 2 games so far and he will not participate. These are 5 and 6 year olds. He is 5 I think. Going into kindergarten. Anyway, at the game last night I was observing how his parents react to him and it was a total control game. They would basically beg him to play "come on buddy, let's give it a try, come on it will be fun" and he would stubbornly sit on the side and refuse. At that point, maybe it's just me, but I would be leaving. I would not be begging my child to play. I would not be playing that game. If he won't play, then he doesn't get to stay and he definately does NOT get the treat at the end of the game. (each player takes a turn bringing treats and drinks). Well, N did get the treat and had a big smile after the game. This also makes me mad because each team only has 8 kids, and 4 are out at at time. Last night only 6 kids showed up so since N would not play, they only had 1 sub. So, the kids had to play basically the whole game. Not a huge deal, but they get tired. They are only 5 and 6 years old and they need a break. It just really got to me, the way he just sat there gloating because he was winning the battle. His parents were totally kissing his butt the entire time. I would be so mad if I brought my kid to soccer to watch him, and he would not play at all. And it's not like he is really shy or has something wrong with him. The few times he has participated in practice (with daddy practially holding his hand) he has been able to kick the ball and run. He does not seem to be shy or anything. He just will not play. So, there isn't anything I can do. I want to say why are you letting him do this? Have you thought about leaving the game and not letting him have a reward for not playing? But I won't because I can't say anything. I want to believe me, but I won't. I will have to bite my tongue and try to understand. I truly think if I were in the same situation I would not just sit there begging him to play. I think I truly would leave. But I am not in that situation. The mom says he is the oldest and he isn't used to doing things like this. Well, B is my oldest so that is no excuse. I feel so bad for this kids kindergarten teacher. If he is like this for soccer, which is FUN and playing with other kids, what will he be like when mommy and daddy aren't there to save him when he really has to do something?? Hopefully, venting here will help me let this go!

Psychology Class From Hell!

I think this summer class I am taking is going to be terrible! I am not planning on going much because:

1. It is 3 days a week and I am not going to waste 3 days a week at school for a professor who doesn't really teach.
2. I think that it is a fairly easy class, and if I get A's on all the tests I should be fine.
3. I was not really impressed at all with the teacher. I found him dry, long winded, and in 3 hours he didn't even get through the syllabus.
4. Most the people are in their first class or first year and I think the class will be easy due to it being a first level class.
5. I am pretty good at studying, so I'm pretty confident I can do well.

I may change my mind if I do poorly on the first test (next Tues!). A bummer is that there are 6 tests, one a week for god's sake. That is a lot of reading, even if it is easy. I still have to study. I will not accept lower than an A so I have to keep up with reading. Wish me luck.

I am a Mother

I am a mother. Sometimes I am a good mother. Sometimes I am a GREAT mother. Sometimes I am a terrible mother. Regardless, I am a mother. Sometimes I yell. I usually regret it. Sometimes I apologize for being a crabby mom. Sometimes I make them laugh so hard they almost pee their pants. Sometimes I let them make a huge mess. Sometimes I don't even make them go to bed until 10 pm. There are times where I have days that I want to forget. There are days that I want to remember forever. Sometimes we race across the back yard giggling. Sometimes I let them buy something just because. I check them every night before I go to bed, sometimes twice. I still check if they are breathing. Sometimes I kiss them and they wipe the kisses away. They say they want to live with me forever. My son wants to marry me. My daughter wants to have nine kids. Sometimes they say things and I want to hold it in my mind forever. Like the day she comes in and says "mom, I have happiness, B was pushing me on the swing!" Makes my heart melt. Today is mothers day and I am a mother. I thank God for the 2 little blessings in my life. Even if I am not perfect, they love me no matter what.

Quick post from a major stress filled day!

Today is my final test in Micro. I am so nervous about it, and so excited to be done! I can't wait until 8:30! I have to do well and it will be hard. I am getting a low A and I really really really want an A in the class. I hope I do ok. I have not studied enough, this weekend was just so busy.

I did the 8 mile MS Walk Sunday. It was beautiful and sunny. The walk was great and I used it as my starting point for a healthier summer. I did 3 miles today (walking) and am eating 20 points a day. I am at 130 lb right now. I don't want to spend another summer at 130 lb. I want to weigh between 120-125. I also want to exercise more, not to lose weight but to be healthy. I want to take care of my body. I know I can do this.

I will hopefully be around this blog more after my final. This summer will hopefully be relaxing, the calm before the storm (nursing school in the fall!).

Update

Well, it's monday morning again. J is done with preschool as of last week so now just B is in school the next month. He didn't want to get up today. He was tired and I think he is getting another little cold. I felt bad, but he had to go to school! J and I dropped him at the crossing guard then went to Target for a few things. We are now back home and I am studying for my final next week (well not really studying all that hard).

It is May 1st and it is raining. It has been raining for 4 days now. It is getting a little depressing. The kids just want to play outside like they did last week in the warm sun. I know we need the rain, but come on!

We had a pretty uneventful weekend. B had a birthday party and we visited the church garage sale. The kids each got a toy that they didn't need. I hope to talk them out of some toys to sell at my garage sale this weekend! They also got some books. They were 10 for a dollar so we couldn't pass that up. We also went to the library book sale but only got a couple books there. Sunday I went to a purse open house and got a cute imitation designer bag. Granted, it still cost $80 and that was more than I wanted to spend, but they were all in the $75-80 range. Even the fake designer bags are going up in price. Last year I went to a party and they were all around $40-50. Oh well, I still love the bag I got. It is a bigger one with a colorful patchwork design on the front. A good travel bag. Not too big but big enough to hold quite a bit. There were at least 2 others I would have loved to buy but I held back. I know we don't have a lot of extra money to spend on that kind of stuff. Times like that it would be nice if I had a job to make a little extra! In all due time though that will happen.

My class is almost done. I have this week and my final next week. I have to do a presentation this week which I am NOT looking forward to. I also have a lot of studying to do for my final. I just want it to be done. This class has not been fun.

This weekend I have my garage sale at my moms. I also am doing the MS Walk on Sunday. 7 miles and hoping for sun. Last year it rained the whole time with some snow mixed in for good measure. It should be fun. 5 of my friends are all walking so it will go fast talking and visiting with them.

Well, better get studying!

My Two Angels

We actually did this project a while back, last month I think. We found a fun library book on salt dough projects. We made up a big batch and got to work sculpting, baking, and painting our creations. It is always fun to do craft projects with the kids. They love to make things and love the outcome. We made animals and then I attempted a mini magic wand for J and a sword for B. The wand ended up breaking, but it was fun anyway. I love how intense the kids look in these pictures. They are so busy working away on their project. I love how I got pictures when they didn't know I was taking them, those are always my favorite. Here are the pictures of our crafty day!

"Boxing it Out"

I'm reading a library book I picked up the other day "The Thin Commandments". I had not heard of it, I just kind of blindly grabbed it in the health section. But reading this book has kind of opened my eyes to a lot of my eating issues. I realize now that I have trigger foods that once I eat one I trigger cravings for more of the same type of food, and that the trigger can result in a day long or week long or month long binge of junk. The author recommends eating foods you like in moderation, IF you can control your cravings and have a small portion of it. If a certain food/s trigger binge eating, then you need to "box them out" of your life basically. Which, in theory may sound hard, but it really actually liberates you to not have the issue with that food any longer. He says to find replacements that give you satisfaction, that you can eat without binging. This theory works because you aren't trying to bargin with yourself (I'll only eat one chocolate, no maybe 2, or 3....) and in turn you don't even really have to think about it. Chocolate is a big trigger for me. I might have to totally eliminate it from my diet. Some other trigger foods for me are chips of any kind, finger foods like crackers (wheat thins, triscuits, etc), and sweets like bars and cookies. I sometimes end up eating so much I get sick. Therefore, I know I'd feel better if I didn't eat them at all. I still have to finish the book and figure out my replacements and how I will handle certain situations. But, a lot of it so far has really clicked with me and my problems.

Other things...
I'm slowly getting used to the idea of nursing school this fall. I am excited. I get to go to orientation early June to find out all the details. I will have class M,W nights and every other weekend. The weekends will be hard for all of us. Hard for me to get up and going early in the morning when I just want to sleep in and be with my family. Hard for my kids who are rarely away from me. Hard for my husband who will have a big life change! But it will go very fast I know it, and I know there are lots of people who have to be gone from their family to work or go to school. We can do this and I will do it! I can't wait to actually get in the hospital and learn my nursing skills. I am very excited!

We had B's wrestling banquet last night. I can't express enough how great wrestling has been for him. He has really flourished with the great coaches he has had. And it has bonded him and my husband in a special way. He has really grown a lot this year.

Well, off to mop the floors!

What have I gotten myself into????

Well, all this talk about getting into nursing school (or not...) and I had convinced myself that it wouldn't happen. THE LETTER came TODAY, a month and a half earlier than it was scheduled to come. My husband caught me off guard and called me while I was shopping, saying that a letter arrived that said I got into the nursing program for fall of this year!! I was shocked and happy to say the least! I guess I will be a nursing student in 6 months!

I shouldn't settle for less...

I am tired also of settling for less than my best. Maybe I feel that perfection is not attainable so why even bother??? I really do not understand my own decisions. I do know that I can do better and BE better and FEEL better. I know that I do not want to go into another summer not wanting to wear a bathing suit, and ashamed of my body. I want to go into the summer feeling great and liking my body, feeling strong and capable of actually doing something for myself. I am so hard on myself in certain areas but not in this area. I am critical of myself but I do not expect much of myself. I expect to fail, and I do fail. Anyway, it is about 3 months from swimsuit season, and that it plenty of time to get myself in order. I want a lifestyle change. I want to live in a way that supports healthy eating and exercising, not overeating and feeling bad about it. If anyone has any great tips for making a total life makeover, let me know. I'm a little clueless as to how to keep it going. I have no problem starting out fine. I just usually let it slide til I'm back to the bad habits. I don't want to make extreme changes all at once, but I want to slowly adapt a healthier relationship with food/eating and in turn lose some weight and gain some muscle. I am not fat. I have never really been fat. I am a little chubby for my height. Mostly around the middle. A sure sign of overeating and not exercising I know. I usually eat fine during the day, at home but then overeat at night. And I am terrible about eating out anywhere but home. I just love food that much. I also take seconds often. 2 new rules I will try to adopt today are:

• No second helpings at dinner.
• Drink 3 large bottles of water daily.
• Aim for 20 points daily. Keep track of food intake.

Tired

I am tired of:

• Not liking my body.
• Not liking the way my clothes fit.
• Having clothes that are 1 size too small for me that I'd love to wear and COULD wear if I were just 5 lb lighter or more fit.
• Overeating then feeling terrible about it.
• Not finding time for exercise.
• Feeling lazy and sluggish.
• Rolls on my stomach 3 1/2 years after having my last baby.
• Knowing what I need to do to feel/look good and not doing it.
• Not liking myself enough to do what I should do.
• Not knowing WHY I do this and continue to do this year after year after year.
• Knowing I have so much more potential.

And now for my first love, My B!

Not "officially" a first love, but the first time I have had immediate love for someone, such unconditional pure love. Never had I experienced that before and never would I again until J came along. I will always thank B for being my first born, my first baby. I will always be grateful to God for giving me my 2 healthy beautiful children.

B is my oldest, my boy. He has the purest heart, he is so honest, at 6 years old, and it wise beyond his years. I look at him recently and see the baby long gone, and the boy taking his place. I see the same face I have always seen. But the body is long and lean, with muscles now used for wrestling matches. His eyes are the same, but the face is now free of baby fat. The dimples are still there, and I remember seeing those dimples on him for the first time as a newborn. How we wondered where they came from. The bald head that once was, is now full of thick dark blonde hair. Hair that cannot be tamed or cut to look quite right. But beautiful hair nonetheless. B is a boy full of emotions. He can go from laughing to crying in a heartbeat. If he wants something he does not give up on it. He can remember things from years ago. He sets his mind to something and usually does it. He has the most infectious laugh. He loves fiercely and has a passion for life I can only hope to have someday. He was a happy baby, and a challenging toddler. He has been a joy in my life from the day he was born.

Here are my thoughts on B at age 6:

• He can color for hours, until his neck is sore! He colors coloring books and is very good at it!
• He can count to 100 and beyond
• He loves ice cream with chocolate on top.
• He loves me to read him chapter books, his current favorite being the Captain Underpants series. Our last series was Magic Treehouse.
• He loves to be around other kids. He is very outgoing and friendly. Very unlike I was at his age.
• His favorite outfit is his camoflauge turtleneck and matching pants.
• He loves birthday cake with lots of frosting.
• He can bike 3 miles.
• He has a beautiful singing voice.
• He loves to write short stories.
• He loves me to sleep with him a while before saying good night.
• He loves to wrestle his dad (and sister)!

I love you B!

My little J

Why do I find it hard to post regularly? I am on the computer every day, how hard would it be to post a little something??? Anyway, I am going to write a little about my daughter J today. We are home alone right now and I just braided her hair. I sometimes look at her and can't believe she is mine. My little girl. When I was pregnant with her I swore she was a boy. I never expected a girl to come out. For some reason, I had pictured myself with 2 boys. But she came out, and at that moment I couldn't imagine anything different. From the very start, she had a personality. A strong personality! She cried her first night. The whole night. I don't know if she was mad or hungry, or scared. I know I held her and nursed her a lot. The first year of her life she would not let anyone near her except me, and maybe her big brother sometimes. She would not even let her own dad hold her unless she was in a REALLY good mood. Eventually she started to like other people. This helped me a lot, that first year was tough. Now she is very friendly and independent. She will tell me to leave when I drop her off at preschool if I stay too long. She is an example of how meeting a babies needs, however tough it may be, will make a child more secure later. I met her every need as a baby. Yes, I got frustrated with her CONSTANT need of me, but I hardly ever let her cry and nursed her until she was almost 2 years old. She gave that up herself very easily. Yes, she did have some rules but I pretty much held her all the time and nursed her often. She was a very needy baby, and a very demanding baby. She is still a demanding child. She wants things her way, she likes to be in charge. She likes to be bossy. I know that part of this is being 3. For her, 3 is tougher than 2. She is trying to find herself. I know she will always be a strong and independant girl and woman. I hope she is. I was always painfully shy and quiet as a child, I do not think she will be like me. I want her to be confident and speak her mind. In a kind way of course. I want her to be a good friend, and a good listener. She loves with all her heart, and is very affectionate. She is my little girl.

A couple funny things I want to remember about J at 3 1/2:

• When she gets sad or upset, she goes under the piano bence and puts her face on the floor to pout/cry.
• She will punch her own leg when she is frustrated.
• She loves to dance with her brother and I to music on TV.
• She loves to help to laundry with me.
• When she is talking to her dad or I , she loves to grab our face with her hands and get really close.
• She hates the song "Icky Sticky Bubble Gum", especially the part about it getting stuck in your hair.
• She loves the color blue, with a passion.
• She loves mint Pria bars.
• Her favorite shoes are red sparkly "Dorothy" shoes.
• She loves the movies "Zathura" and "Spy Kids"
• She loves to hop.
• She pinches her belly when she is tired.

I love you J!

This and That

Well, it is mid-February and this winter stuff is getting old up here in MN. It has been cold, and I mean COLD, the last few days. Like -15 degrees cold. The kind of cold that hurts when you go outside, the kind of cold that you can't go out unless it is straight to a very warmed up car and back again. I am so ready for spring, so are my kids. They want to run and play and swim and ride bikes. I can't say things have been really exciting in my life lately. I bring the kids to school, I pick them up, I study a little bit, I go to school 2 nights a week. I go to wrestling practice. I clean the house, do a little laundry, scrub a toilet. I cook dinner and do the dishes. Pretty mundane. But good nonetheless. Hubby is going on a trip for work all week, so that makes thing a little more interesting. I have to be the primary caretaker 24/7 all week, which can take a toll, but we always get through it and most of the time have a smile on our faces!

School is going pretty well. I am not killing myself over this class. I am getting an A, but not a super high A. I got a 91 on the first test. Not great, but still the highest in the class (it was a hard test). I hope to do just enough to keep an A. In my past classes, I always was very close to 100% on everything. There is no need to do that, when I can still get an A at 90%. So, I am doing what I need to do, but not excessively.

B's wrestling has been a fun activity for us this winter. He has now participated in 4 tournaments. He got a 1st, two 2nd's and 1 3rd place. Today he got second, and did very well. The boys actually tied in win/loss so they had to count total points. So, he lost one match and won 2. Great job my little wrestler! He really has shown me what a true competitor he is. He has so much passion and drive, and I am so proud of him. He doesn't always win, but he always gives 100%.

J is going through a difficult phase, the "terrible 3's" I guess. She has been having lots of temper tantrums and yelling lately, but I am not making a big deal out of it. She is trying to test her boundaries and get people to do things for her and do whatever she wants. If she doesn't get her way she screams and cries. When I put her in her room, she has a huge fit, but then usually is over it soon and apologizes. I know it is just a phase she will be over soon.

This spring we are looking forward to soccer for B, swimming for B and J, and gymnastics for J once she turns 4. I am in a bad slump again with eating, and I am no where near swimsuit shape. I am not sure what to do about my terrible habits. I cannot seem to make the change within myself to be what I want to be. Maybe it is more psychological than I want to believe. Maybe I eat for many other reasons that I am not aware of. It is just such a big life change and I don't know how to do it.

Backup Plan

Well, as I stated before, my backup plan if I don't get into nursing school was to most likely get my nursing assistant certification and work part time as a NA. Now, I've given it some more thought and another option going through my head is to get my doula certification and get more involved in the birth aspect of nursing, since I really do want to be a OB/GYN nurse, and eventually a certified nurse midwife. I could either do birth doula or postpartum doula training. There are a few people in my area who do the training, and I have contacted them to get all the information. The one issue is that it would not be a cost that I would get reimbursed for (like I would as a nursing assistant) but the plus is that I would be getting a lot of birth experience. Another conflict is that my husband travels a lot and I would have to find someone who could take my kids at a moments notice (late births when he is gone etc). So, I have so thinking to do and try to find the option that best fits. I won't find out until May if I even get into the nursing program so I have until then to figure out what my plan will be.

Survey

[a is for age:]31

[b is for booze of choice:] perfect margarita at Applebees, lots of salt.

C is for career:]Stay at home mom and part time student, future nurse, used to be a chemical engineer

[d is for your dog’s name:]Roxy, pomeranian

[e is for essential items you use everyday:]My computer , deordorant, moisturizer

[f is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]Rascal Flatts

[g is for favorite games:]Guess Who (only play kids games really). Used to love 400

[i is for instruments you play:]piano

[j is for jam or jelly you like:]blackberry or strawbeer/rhubarb

[k is for kids:]Two. 1 boy and 1 girl.

[l is for last kiss:]couple hrs ago

[m is for most admired trait:]honesty and kindness

[n is for name of your crush:]Heath Ledger

[o is for overnight hospital stays:]Just when the kids were born.

[p is for phobias:]bad clausterphobia

[q is for quotes you like:] don't know any off the top of my head

[r is for biggest regret:]Not travelling more before I had kids and not getting the degree I really wanted in college

[s is for sweets of your choice:]Ice cream or chocolate of any kind!

[t is for time you wake up:] my daughter is my alarm clock, 7:30 am every morning.

[u is for underwear:]thongs when I go out, regular bikini when I'm home.

[v is for vegetables you love:] salad, red peppers

[w is for worst habit:]biting my nails, binge eating

[x is for x-rays you’ve had:]only dental I can think of

[y is for yummy food you make:] everything I make is yummy :)

[z is for zodiac sign:]Aries

Swelling with pride for my big boy!

Saturday January 28 was a very exciting day for our family, especially my son B! It happens to also be my dad's birthday (he turned 62). B entered his very first wrestling tournament. He is almost 6 years old and has been going to wrestling practice since early December. We weren't sure if he was really ready for competition, but he surprised us all by winning his group and getting 2 wins, both being pins! We are so very proud of him. The look on his face when he won was just priceless, and when they gave him this huge shiny trophy, my heart just about burst from my chest. He was the cutest thing I ever saw. My husband was a wrestler as a kid, and he was so thrilled with B. I know it is about having fun, but winning his first match just gave him such a confident boost, and made us all so happy, I am just so happy for him. I know he can do anything he sets his mind to and I am so proud of him.

To top off our fantastic day, we got home to his report card, which was a great improvement from last quarter. All around, it was a great day!

Movie Review

Well, for the first time in FOREVER, the hubby and I got a babysitter. Not just the grandparents but a real babysitter who would put the kids to bed, and we saw Broke*back Moun*tain. I had not heard a lot about the movie, except it was supposed to be very good and there were some graphic scenes. There were not really any too graphic scenes in my opinion. I thought it was very tastefully done. It really was a great movie. It was a true love story about 2 people, and it didn't matter that they just happened to both be men. It was really a touching movie. I thought He*ath Led*ger did a great job in this movie. I have always been a fan of his, but this movie really showed he is a great talent. Ja*ke Gyllenha*ll also did great, I loved them both in this movie. I recommend this to everyone, and hope it helps the world see how honest true love really is.

Nursing school may not happen this year.

I heard from someone who heard from someone else that to get into the program I want to get into (the night and weekend program), that you must have all your prerequisites complete and have practially a 4.0. The 4.0 part is fine, I get all A's, but I am in a class right now so that isn't considered complete, and I also have another class that I have not completed (general psych) So...my chances are not looking good, at least this year. I still turned in my application on friday. I really thought I had a chance this year. I know there is still a small chance but it looks like I'll have to wait until next year. So, I need a plan for what to do with a year off from school. I will most likely get my nursing assistant certification this summer and find a job as a nursing assistant next year part time. Probably every other weekend or something like that. I would prefer to work in a hospital as opposed to a nursing home. BUT, like all things, hospitals like experience and the only place to get the experience is at a nursing home. From what I gather, that is where most N.A's get their start. Maybe it won't be so bad. It will be experience, and a learning one at that! We have a big nursing home here, I think it is dementia patients mainly. Could be interesting. I know they are usually hiring, and have a tuition reimbursement program (will pay for the cost of the N.A. program if you stay with them a specific time period). So, I guess that is my plan. If I don't get in. Which I may. But probably not. And what sucks is that I don't find out until May 1! Keeping my fingers crossed.

credit card theft

I recently found out that someone has been using my credit card number, as well as my name, and I don't know what to think about this. I feel horrible, and angry. It is someone in Florida and I have no clue how they got my number, I'm assuming over the internet since it is the card I use primarily for internet purchases. It makes me scared, I never thought it was really that easy to get someone's number, but obviously it is. We shred all our documents here so I don't think it was someone searching the trash. I have no idea. They even changed the address and phone number with the credit card number, and cancelled the old card, and got a new card in my name. This way, the card company would not be calling me or sending me bills that I would question. I am scared they have my SS # and they will try to do other things in my name. I have a fraud alert out on my name for 90 days but how do I protect myself from further damage? I feel so violated and angry. If anyone has any experience in this, let me know!

Things going well otherwise. I've been doing some exercise almost daily, and I am eating better. I am back in school Tues and Th nights, and so that keeps me busier and helps me eat less. I am feeling good about things, and hope to keep it that way.