What have I gotten myself into????

Well, all this talk about getting into nursing school (or not...) and I had convinced myself that it wouldn't happen. THE LETTER came TODAY, a month and a half earlier than it was scheduled to come. My husband caught me off guard and called me while I was shopping, saying that a letter arrived that said I got into the nursing program for fall of this year!! I was shocked and happy to say the least! I guess I will be a nursing student in 6 months!

I shouldn't settle for less...

I am tired also of settling for less than my best. Maybe I feel that perfection is not attainable so why even bother??? I really do not understand my own decisions. I do know that I can do better and BE better and FEEL better. I know that I do not want to go into another summer not wanting to wear a bathing suit, and ashamed of my body. I want to go into the summer feeling great and liking my body, feeling strong and capable of actually doing something for myself. I am so hard on myself in certain areas but not in this area. I am critical of myself but I do not expect much of myself. I expect to fail, and I do fail. Anyway, it is about 3 months from swimsuit season, and that it plenty of time to get myself in order. I want a lifestyle change. I want to live in a way that supports healthy eating and exercising, not overeating and feeling bad about it. If anyone has any great tips for making a total life makeover, let me know. I'm a little clueless as to how to keep it going. I have no problem starting out fine. I just usually let it slide til I'm back to the bad habits. I don't want to make extreme changes all at once, but I want to slowly adapt a healthier relationship with food/eating and in turn lose some weight and gain some muscle. I am not fat. I have never really been fat. I am a little chubby for my height. Mostly around the middle. A sure sign of overeating and not exercising I know. I usually eat fine during the day, at home but then overeat at night. And I am terrible about eating out anywhere but home. I just love food that much. I also take seconds often. 2 new rules I will try to adopt today are:

• No second helpings at dinner.
• Drink 3 large bottles of water daily.
• Aim for 20 points daily. Keep track of food intake.

Tired

I am tired of:

• Not liking my body.
• Not liking the way my clothes fit.
• Having clothes that are 1 size too small for me that I'd love to wear and COULD wear if I were just 5 lb lighter or more fit.
• Overeating then feeling terrible about it.
• Not finding time for exercise.
• Feeling lazy and sluggish.
• Rolls on my stomach 3 1/2 years after having my last baby.
• Knowing what I need to do to feel/look good and not doing it.
• Not liking myself enough to do what I should do.
• Not knowing WHY I do this and continue to do this year after year after year.
• Knowing I have so much more potential.

And now for my first love, My B!

Not "officially" a first love, but the first time I have had immediate love for someone, such unconditional pure love. Never had I experienced that before and never would I again until J came along. I will always thank B for being my first born, my first baby. I will always be grateful to God for giving me my 2 healthy beautiful children.

B is my oldest, my boy. He has the purest heart, he is so honest, at 6 years old, and it wise beyond his years. I look at him recently and see the baby long gone, and the boy taking his place. I see the same face I have always seen. But the body is long and lean, with muscles now used for wrestling matches. His eyes are the same, but the face is now free of baby fat. The dimples are still there, and I remember seeing those dimples on him for the first time as a newborn. How we wondered where they came from. The bald head that once was, is now full of thick dark blonde hair. Hair that cannot be tamed or cut to look quite right. But beautiful hair nonetheless. B is a boy full of emotions. He can go from laughing to crying in a heartbeat. If he wants something he does not give up on it. He can remember things from years ago. He sets his mind to something and usually does it. He has the most infectious laugh. He loves fiercely and has a passion for life I can only hope to have someday. He was a happy baby, and a challenging toddler. He has been a joy in my life from the day he was born.

Here are my thoughts on B at age 6:

• He can color for hours, until his neck is sore! He colors coloring books and is very good at it!
• He can count to 100 and beyond
• He loves ice cream with chocolate on top.
• He loves me to read him chapter books, his current favorite being the Captain Underpants series. Our last series was Magic Treehouse.
• He loves to be around other kids. He is very outgoing and friendly. Very unlike I was at his age.
• His favorite outfit is his camoflauge turtleneck and matching pants.
• He loves birthday cake with lots of frosting.
• He can bike 3 miles.
• He has a beautiful singing voice.
• He loves to write short stories.
• He loves me to sleep with him a while before saying good night.
• He loves to wrestle his dad (and sister)!

I love you B!

My little J

Why do I find it hard to post regularly? I am on the computer every day, how hard would it be to post a little something??? Anyway, I am going to write a little about my daughter J today. We are home alone right now and I just braided her hair. I sometimes look at her and can't believe she is mine. My little girl. When I was pregnant with her I swore she was a boy. I never expected a girl to come out. For some reason, I had pictured myself with 2 boys. But she came out, and at that moment I couldn't imagine anything different. From the very start, she had a personality. A strong personality! She cried her first night. The whole night. I don't know if she was mad or hungry, or scared. I know I held her and nursed her a lot. The first year of her life she would not let anyone near her except me, and maybe her big brother sometimes. She would not even let her own dad hold her unless she was in a REALLY good mood. Eventually she started to like other people. This helped me a lot, that first year was tough. Now she is very friendly and independent. She will tell me to leave when I drop her off at preschool if I stay too long. She is an example of how meeting a babies needs, however tough it may be, will make a child more secure later. I met her every need as a baby. Yes, I got frustrated with her CONSTANT need of me, but I hardly ever let her cry and nursed her until she was almost 2 years old. She gave that up herself very easily. Yes, she did have some rules but I pretty much held her all the time and nursed her often. She was a very needy baby, and a very demanding baby. She is still a demanding child. She wants things her way, she likes to be in charge. She likes to be bossy. I know that part of this is being 3. For her, 3 is tougher than 2. She is trying to find herself. I know she will always be a strong and independant girl and woman. I hope she is. I was always painfully shy and quiet as a child, I do not think she will be like me. I want her to be confident and speak her mind. In a kind way of course. I want her to be a good friend, and a good listener. She loves with all her heart, and is very affectionate. She is my little girl.

A couple funny things I want to remember about J at 3 1/2:

• When she gets sad or upset, she goes under the piano bence and puts her face on the floor to pout/cry.
• She will punch her own leg when she is frustrated.
• She loves to dance with her brother and I to music on TV.
• She loves to help to laundry with me.
• When she is talking to her dad or I , she loves to grab our face with her hands and get really close.
• She hates the song "Icky Sticky Bubble Gum", especially the part about it getting stuck in your hair.
• She loves the color blue, with a passion.
• She loves mint Pria bars.
• Her favorite shoes are red sparkly "Dorothy" shoes.
• She loves the movies "Zathura" and "Spy Kids"
• She loves to hop.
• She pinches her belly when she is tired.

I love you J!